Wednesday, November 27, 2013

I am a self destructive dumb ass.

Hi my name is Dave and I am a self destructive dumb ass, who insists on killing himself by binge eating. I know the pizza will make me sick all darn night, yet I order it. Then I eat all but 2 slices of an extra large pizza myself. I know there is a reason for this and I know fill well what it is. Still I do it. Still I always think it will make me feel good and while I am cramming the food into my face it feels like I am in my mothers arms. The moment I realize I am so full it hurts and my tummy is so upset I can hardly stand it, the guilt hits me. Strange thing is, it's the guilt of being who I am that causes me to do this. That unresolved issue between myself as a sexual being and the fundamentalist faith that I once followed. This 4 year span of my life in a church that hate all people like me made me forever hate myself on some level. So every time I start feeling close to God I feel the guilt of being attracted to both men and women. This poison fills my brain and all that harm they did to me kicks in again. Will I never be rid of the feeling that gave me? How could I have ever been so blind as to want to be one of them. How could I think God would want to "fix" something that was never broken? God made me and God loves me. Why can I not just be happy with that? Because for 4 years I had it hammered into my brain that I was a monster that was hated by God. The entire time trying to be "normal". Oh the damage they did to me and I let them do it. Every time I went threw those doors I put myself on trial. I know God loves all, but the damage will never be undone. Thank you, you so called people of God for this ever lasting cycle. Thank you also for letting me see how evil you all are. My God, the only God - the true God is love. I will never forget that and I feel his hand on my shoulder right now. Forgive me Lord for the harm I do to myself and for failing to be the best I can be. Keep me strong, even though I know like today I will fall. You are the one who will lift me up. You free me. Thank you Lord.

Dave S. Nicholson - November 27, 2013 - 9:47pm

3 comments:

  1. Hi sweetie. ALL mammals are bi-sexual. It is the choice or deniabilty of the human whether or not they choose to admit it or enact it. We are mammals . the churches are pios. they do our guilt like god made his human animals.

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    1. Hugs - yes it is entirely common. People are just not willing to admit it at all.

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  2. oh dave .. it is me .. the woman from washington state usa :)

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