When I was in my 20's I just wanted to fight and die. Now I want to live so strongly I can't believe it. I used to say, "I don't want to live forever". Now I do want to. All the people I know where damaged in some way as a child. I almost said yes to my youth pastor when he obviously wanted sex from me. I was I think 12. I just felt so good to be wanted by someone. I did not understand and when I did it fucked up my life (only word strong enough). My folks where to say the least strict at times and being that my Mom was mentally ill I got spanked many times for no reason. But I never blamed them. Even as a child I knew what was going on in that situation. Things changed when my Dad finally realized about Mom. But it kind of tainted how I saw them for ever. But all in all I struggled with it all and my own mental illness. I was strong and I prevailed. Now that I am sick and in pain. I often think time is short. I sometimes wish I would just go out in my sleep. But then I want another day. I will always want another day. I stopped praying for the pain to end, yet I hold onto God. Now I pray for others instead of myself. When it's for me, it's only to be forgiven for my knife like sarcasm that I often use. But in the end I know know that once you know your mortal, life begins again.
Hugs and Love - Dave :)