Dungeon Dreams AKA That Evil DM

You come to a clearing and see a hill giant thumping a red patch on the ground with his club. He says "I keep thumping you till you say you sorry". There is a Drow and a beholder watching and laughing. What do you do?

Player: I put on the cock ring of invisibility.
DM: (rolls a 2) OK your cock has vanished and you are now wearing a pink dress and the Draw lord is very interested. For that matter, so is the beholder.

Player: I drink the red potion the elf sold me.
DM: (rolls a 1) You lose control of your bowls and literally shit fire all over the other players. They now have to roll VS magic and if they don't make the save take 1D4 damage each. BTW you are disabled by the tears in your eye for the next 3 rounds.

Player: I ready the helm I got at the flee market that I was told was "just for iron golems"
DM: It's a magnetic hemp and you are now hanging for the crotch of the golem.

Player: I use the hammer of healing on him.
DM: OK player 2, roll vs fear.

Player: I cast identify on the strange object.
DM: It's a +3 toaster of doom.
Player: Are you off your meds again Mike?

Player: I put on the helm of dragons we looted from the keep.
DM: It’s a helm of dragon sexual attraction. The good news is, you lived. The bad news is you now only have 4 HP and your armor it toast.

Player: I use the my +2 long bow on the Drow.
DM: You miss, it bounced off the wall and comes back. It gets you right in the bag and severs your left nut. You are disabled for 3 rounds. Roll 1D6 damage. I’ll take the +2 off for it bouncing off the wall.
Player: OK I’ll pay you the $20 I owe you back.

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