Thursday, July 28, 2016

I Was Such A Fool For 35 Long Years

Recently unfriended a person I was very close to for 35 long years of my life. I treated him like family. When he needed someone to talk to I was always there. Now after seeing his true face, how can I ever have even the least bit of respect for this person ever again? It's gone and there is a deep hole in my heart where that love of a friend used to be. I am an all or nothing kind of person. If I care for them, I give every last bit of myself to them.

These shots where taken after I was told how he was talking about me. This is a person who always claimed to be a good person with high standards.


I should have known when I needed to talk and he would change the subject. This after many times of listening to his problems and offering what advice I had and giving sympathy.

It hurts that he thinks he is the victim some how and it hurts that I literally mattered less to him than being on Facebook. It hurts that he thinks it's OK to make fun of my disabilities that he obviously does not care to understand. Most of all it hurts that I ignored the fact of how he really is for all these years.

I know many things about him that even his parents do not know. I know many things that could damage his job and his standing with organisations he is part of. I even know things that where criminal in nature. But I seriously don't want to be that kind of person.

Somehow I thought I could go on and at least be decent to him when I saw him someplace and maybe chat a little. But it is very clear that all he is interested in is being hurtful and finding fault. So I hope he enjoys a good laugh or two at my experience, as so many others have in the past. The fact that in school he was the victim of bullies seems to have taught him nothing at all.

It's going to be a long time till this becomes tolerable again. It will be a long time till the world seems bright again. In the past when I was treated like this I just moved on, but it's never been from someone I gave so much of my life too. So the pain will linger for a long time and I won't be OK for a while. Maybe I won't be OK for a long time. I don't know. I just don't know what to think or to say or how to act. This has never happened to me like this.

P.S. I don't know if people can't understand chronic pain or they refuse to. All I know is that almost no one who has not lived this hell gets it. Also the mental illness I have keeps me from being able to work a real job. I can suffer the pain to get any task done, but I can't hold back what happens to my mind when I am under the pressure of a job. It's something that I can't overcome, something only those who suffer the demons I have suffered can know.

Final Thought: I can't unsee who you really are. I was willing to forgive till I saw it with my own eyes. I still forgive you, because I know people like you do this out of the pain you have inside you. But I can't trust you.

2 comments:

  1. WOW so because he was not able to keep an appointment he agreed to and didnt bother eve telling you he starts to talk about how you should work and shit? sounds like he has a great deal of issues it is a shame though, I dont like it when friendships end, especially not like this in a blow out or betrayal.

    but I guess this guy woul just like you to get a 7-5 construction job and see how long you can then keep alive, whatta shame.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. He has changed the last few years. I can't like him anymore.

      Delete