We come to expect a level of malice in life. If you don’t learn fast to get past it, your life becomes a living hell. I learned this when I was in grade 6. It was a time when my life was in flux. Not from family or friends but from what was happening in my school. There were several people in my school who knew my Dad was a cop. They were from a family background where cops where the enemy. They treated me like shit until the point where I pushed back. I was a big boy, literally and knew how to handle myself. They found out fast that it was not OK to try and mess with me, as I could and would fight back. To make a long story short, I got in a lot of trouble over it at times but I not only defended myself but my friends. I also learned that words are just words and they cannot hurt you unless you let them.
With the acceptation of a couple of years of my life where I became mentally ill and had to be hospitalised, people with their spite and hate and malice did not affect me. This was another turning point in my life that taught me to be more kind and understanding to all around me. I saw what it was like to be in fear and to almost lose it all. If things did not turn the way they did, I would have ended up more than likely homeless or dead. Yes, it was that bad. But soon thanks to medication and the sure force of will I came back to being a strong person who was hard to piss off. I went back to using sarcastic humour to stay the stings of hurtful people.
You see I have been over sized since I was nine and since I was around twenty-five I have been very oversized. I have had a lifetime of people being rude to the point where I literally don’t notice them anymore. They point they laugh they stare they joke and I keep walking literally oblivious of what they are doing. The world of online can be a harsh place as well where people with no face hide behind an internet connection to try and harm others. The reasons are complex and widely very as to why they want to do this. The fact is that most of them are emotionally damaged people who want to feel power and have none in their lives.
It was in that time frame where I was first online in a very public manner that I fell ill. It was something called a breakout. My mind went unbalanced and I thought the world was out to get me and that I could hear people’s thoughts. Again, long story short I got over it and became the person I am now. More loving and accepting of all people but at the same time that person who uses sarcastic humour to laugh off those who would harm me.
The reality is, I literally don’t care what people think of me and I literally don’t care if they hate me. I know I am loved and I am accepted by many good people. I know these people are like family to me and in fact more so than the so called family I have. My real family literally stopped talking to me when I went on disability. I am not alone in this as at least one other in the family was treated the same way. I know it sounds harsh and evil and that I should hate them. But the reality is, I know their lives are shallow and more than likely they don’t know what it is like to be loved in a true manner. I as always forgive and move on. I do not forget though and cannot trust them and will not. But they are forgiven.
Then recently my best friend in the world, a person I have known for 35 years of my life turned on me. The reason is complicated and not the fault of myself or in reality of his. He has become slowly over the past several years a person filled with anger. He has also become a person who is not all that worthy of trust. He has taken things from his work and at that I should have realised what was happening. But I was blinded by the brotherly love I had for him. He was like family to me. He was like my brother. Then one day I needed his help and he was not giving it to me when he normally would have. He instead decided to stay home and play on the Facebook rather than to take me to the hospital. I told him right out in several texts that I needed to go and it was serious.
The injury that I had is long lasting and still affecting me rather painfully. It is such that it might not heal properly because of my size and if it does it will be many months. I pushed him on the issue of choosing to be online rather than help me. You have to realise; I was always there for him when he needed me. I never let him down. I was that way for all my friends. The act of showing my displeasure in his choice seems to have pushed him over the edge.
He went on the attack on his Facebook page. He literally made fun of my disability and of me personally. This went on for several days. Later he realised what he was doing and cleaned his page of the offensive posts. But it was way too late. The years of trust where broken and I could no longer call him a friend. I am not one to take that word lightly. It takes some doing to move from the place of someone I know to being a friend. I will NOT call someone a friend if I don’t mean it.
I know he regrets his actions and I know he knows what he has lost. I also know that the underlying problems that brought him to this point in his life are still there and that I can’t fix that. I also know he more than likely never will face the issues and will never be back to the person he used to be.
This brings us back to the point where I don’t let words affect me. Being that he was like family to me, this did hurt and it hurt bad. It caused me emotional pain that lasted months. I still grieve the loss of his friendship but with no trust in him I can’t go back to being his friend. The fact that he has not said he was sorry even underlines the issue. If he does not even have that much respect for me, he is lost to me. But yes he is forgiven. That is automatic. I always forgive. I even forgave the youth pastor who tried to molest me. It is, in my mind, not my place to judge a person as many do. Yes, we all do judge but some of us do it on a different level. We don’t condemn people.
In the end, for me love is the answer. I have love for all people, even the bad ones. I love even those who want to harm me. Not because I am told too, but because I think it is the right thing to do. I forgive the harm, but I don’t trust them. It is just to distance yourself from those who are your enemy but it is not just to hate them. Even if they hate you.