I once sat here and wondered what the hell twist of fate caused this all to happen and why is it happening to me. Other days I am so lucky to be alive and have the things and people I have in my life that I can’t express it in words. Most of the time however, I sit here passing the time with anything that will distract me long enough to keep me from wanting to just crawl back in bed and sleep till my body hurts from being in bed to long.
Honest to God if I have the strength to go on if I need it, but the strange thing is I spend more of it making others feel better. Somehow this gives me more of a will to keep on keeping on than if I just spent all that energy on myself.
If it was not for the darkness I don’t think I would know the daylight even existed, so it too is a blessing. Life is a struggle when you have little money. But my needs are met and somehow when I had a lot more money – when I worked – I was a lot less happy.
In the past I did sit and wonder about it all. Today most of the time I don’t think about it. I know the medication does something but to be honest most of it was me pulling myself out of the dark hole that was life in the day.
18 years ago, I started to have too much pain to work all day. It was the beginning of the end of life as I knew it and sent me into a spiral for a time. Then came a clime up the mountain to where I am today. Yes, some days I do want to just lay in bed and let the day go away, but most of the time I just want to watch some YouTube videos and talk with my friends on Facebook.
It’s not that I could not survive without the ability to be online with my friends around the world, but it makes life brighter. What made me want to go on came from within and now I spend most of the energy I used to spend on myself fighting the dark on others who need a smile.
Even when I am angry as hell and I want to scream, I put on the camera and put a funny spin on how I rant and rail about those things that push me a bit too far. I will never be the angry person I once was many years ago and I will never just lay there for day ever again – that is if I have a choice.
But the pain in my body gets in the way of being full on happy – yes it does take the shine off the chrome as it where. But I can still smile and be glad for the day, even if I am so dang tired for days on end. Instead of wanting to try and sleep off this never ending tired I feel some days, I fight it and watch a movie or two and talk with friends and enjoy the hell out of a day that I am sure 18 years ago I would have just skipped.
I also put on a brave face in the day and smiled for the world, but today I often don’t have to fake that smile. I honestly can’t say why though. I don’t know what changed or when, but it did change. So now I sit here after watching a movie that I feel lucky to have seen, I fight the tired feeling and type these words. Yes soon I will have to give in and lay down, or I will literally fall down – I have made that mistake before. But for a moment, I will just sit here and say – “Life is freaking good even if my body is broken”.
I love you all and I am glad you are in my life. Hugs and thanks for all you have done for me over the years – perhaps that is half of my salvation from the darkness, my friends. Well I will post this and go to my bed for an hour or so. This tired feeling is not fixed with sleep and in fact I won’t be able to – but dang it drains me at times. I just wish there was something, anything that could be done. Oh well, life goes on and the sun will shine again and so will I – once again, HUGS ALL I LOVE YA.