Wednesday, February 21, 2018


This is my brother and my Mom. Mom is dead and I literally don't know what has happened to my brother. He was in a care home and they moved him and I have no idea where and he has no phone of his own. Thus I have not talked to him in around 2 years now.

I keep wondering "is he alive" or "is he doing OK"? I have no contact with his son as well and I'm rather sure he had not talked to his son in a while the last time we spoke on the phone. There is a lot of issues I won't go into. Lets just say, it's a complicated situation.

The will never be letting him out, I know this much. He needs the help they give him and can't be relied upon to take care of himself. So it's for the best. I just keep wondering though.

There was an issue where he got Mom to sign a loan for him and incurred a great deal of debt then took off leaving Mom holding the bag. She lost it all and I swore I would kick his ass if I ever saw him again.

Well the years went past and Mom forgave him and so did I. We ended up all together for a short time when this photo was taken. He never visited again after that as he never had the money.

Mom got sick with Cancer and passed on. He was heart broken that he could not have come to see her while she was in the hospital or the car home. But I made sure she knew he was thinking about her.

I guess it's one of those cases where people have to lost it all to realize what they had and when it's gone you want it all to do over again.

Mom was a terrible cook and vastly overcooked everything. Her roast beef literally had a crust on it it was so bad. But right now I would give everything I have for one more family dinner.

Dad passed on 20 years before Mom did. I was there for both of them in their final moment and I am glad I was. When Dad passed it was a shock but for Mom it was a relief that she finally stopped fading away and suffering.

When Mom was at her end she was in a coma and I took 2 days off from visiting her. It was on Day 3 she died. The called me and I rushed in and was there for her. I know this is silly, but I feel a slight regret for not being there those 2 days even though she would not have even know I was there. Hell she did not know I was there a week before that and I know this. Still for some reason I want those 2 days.

As for my brothers son, I think I saw he 5 or 6 times here in Moose Jaw and 1 time out in Chilliwack. I know he at one time worked in a bar but that is really all I know about him in his adult life.

I thought once of sending him a friend request on Facebook but thought it would be strange for him. After all we where sadly lacking in his life so why would he even want to connect now? There is also the fact of "I have no idea what I would like to say to him".

The rest of my family that is alive does not talk to me, not even the ones in the city with me. I am that gay, disabled outsider to them I guess. I've spent most of my life being distant from these judgmental people, so there would be nothing in common now I am sure.

The thing that holds me up though is my good friends. There are more a family to me than anyone I am related to and always will be. We keep each other happy and feeling loved. There are there for me and I for them - like a REAL FAMILY. So who needs people who would not say hello in a store?

Still I do miss big holiday get togethers of my youth. It's not the same being invited to a big dinner with someone else's family. It just is not the same. So I dine alone and chat with good friends in texts and over the phone instead.

I guess in the end what I'm saying is when family is gone, we have the ability now to make new family on social media and with real world friends. But we do have to chose to do this. Hugs to you and have a good day.


  1. Very thought provoking.
    Family Dynamics can be so complex.
    I can totally relate.
    Hugs, Dave.
    Jan H.

  2. There was a vacuum created and nature's law dictates that it be filled, I hope your "new family" fills that void.

  3. Your words speak to my heart. There is always something to break ones heart but then there are real friends who are few that help ease the pain. I feel very blessed that you are my new Family.

    1. Thank you very much. I am deeply blessed with the good friends I know on here. Hugs.