Thursday, November 28, 2013

We are a moment and no more

We are a moment and no more.
The world turn to dust in the days to come.
Man has lost his place a long time ago.
History is gone and soon we all will be as well.
The sands of time are at an end.
This one moment and no more.
One life is not enough.
We long for eternity.
Yet we can not even perceive it.
This last act and then the world is gone.
One more task before we fade away.
In the end there will be nothing once more.
In the beginning there was nothing to start with.
It is a moment of time in all of forever.
From nothing to nothing.
We are a joke that want to be a epic story.
Man kind if and was and will be no more.
The struggles for power are meaningless.
We push the button and burn the oil.
We eat the burgers and don't think about it.
We pray that we live on and think that it's just now.
The moment has almost past.
The time of man all but gone.
Nothing will know we existed in time.
We are a flash.
There is flesh and pleasure but once.
Live or be lost.
For in the end there is the void...

David S. Nicholson - November 28, 2013 - 12:38am

Wednesday, November 27, 2013

I am a self destructive dumb ass.

Hi my name is Dave and I am a self destructive dumb ass, who insists on killing himself by binge eating. I know the pizza will make me sick all darn night, yet I order it. Then I eat all but 2 slices of an extra large pizza myself. I know there is a reason for this and I know fill well what it is. Still I do it. Still I always think it will make me feel good and while I am cramming the food into my face it feels like I am in my mothers arms. The moment I realize I am so full it hurts and my tummy is so upset I can hardly stand it, the guilt hits me. Strange thing is, it's the guilt of being who I am that causes me to do this. That unresolved issue between myself as a sexual being and the fundamentalist faith that I once followed. This 4 year span of my life in a church that hate all people like me made me forever hate myself on some level. So every time I start feeling close to God I feel the guilt of being attracted to both men and women. This poison fills my brain and all that harm they did to me kicks in again. Will I never be rid of the feeling that gave me? How could I have ever been so blind as to want to be one of them. How could I think God would want to "fix" something that was never broken? God made me and God loves me. Why can I not just be happy with that? Because for 4 years I had it hammered into my brain that I was a monster that was hated by God. The entire time trying to be "normal". Oh the damage they did to me and I let them do it. Every time I went threw those doors I put myself on trial. I know God loves all, but the damage will never be undone. Thank you, you so called people of God for this ever lasting cycle. Thank you also for letting me see how evil you all are. My God, the only God - the true God is love. I will never forget that and I feel his hand on my shoulder right now. Forgive me Lord for the harm I do to myself and for failing to be the best I can be. Keep me strong, even though I know like today I will fall. You are the one who will lift me up. You free me. Thank you Lord.

Dave S. Nicholson - November 27, 2013 - 9:47pm

Saturday, November 16, 2013

Listen and Want to Listen

Have you ever felt empty? I don't mean bored or alone. I mean empty. The kind of dead inside feeling that makes you want to stop living. Well, I have. I was on the edge of giving up and checking out. I did all kinds of things to make the pain inside stop. The number one this was to let others hurt my body. To let them screw me and beat me. I did not know anything but anger for myself. To be angry was so much more easy than to be in pain inside. To be hurting on the outside was to distract from the inside.

I also drank to kill the pain inside. To try and run from who I was. I don't think of myself as an addict, as I can just have one beer and be done with it. But then I drank to not know what my mind thought of me. I drove my car very fast in the dark all alone and turned the lights off. I had sex with people I did not know just to try and be... Or feel...

I know it's not in fashion these days to talk about a love for God. But this is what changed my world. This is what made me who I am now. The one who can be there for others and the one who will never give up. I am not talking words in a book or a building to gather with others. I am talking about sitting in a park on a warm day and feeling the wind touch me soul.

When my father died I kind of died. I did not care any more. The world was a thing not a being. Now the world to me is alive and I am a part of it. I have listened and heard the voice of God say my name and speak of my worth. I have seen the day rise and fall and was stuck with the awesome power of the universe. I am complete because I believe in God.

I am not saying you must think like me. If you are getting that message you are reacting not to what I say, but what you think I am saying. All I say is that without God I would be no one. Without God my Mother would have died alone, frightened and knowing I went before her. But because of God I was there for her every day until her last breath was taken in front of my eyes. And I know I will see her again. As I will see all I have loved that have gone before me.

Two days before my Mom passed on to the next life. I felt as if someone was in the room with me. I knew she was going soon. I felt it was her sister. The last words I heard my Mom speak where, “I see you there Jain”. Then I never herd her speak again.

The day she died I was out with friends. They where late to pick me up – very late. But if they where on time I would have been home alone and would not have been able to get to Mom in her last moment. I did not order food that night and they did. Also strange. My friend got me there on time and in 20 minutes she was gone. This to me is more than just luck. It is too much happening at the same time to just be luck. This was the work of a higher power guiding me to the right time and place with the right people.

Be who you wish to be. But if these words move you, there is a reason. Listen and want to listen. You may hear the voice of God. It might not be literal. It might be a bird singing. It might be a stranger saying, “Good day”. It might be a lost cat wanting your help. But that voice is there. That love is there for you. You do not have to believe in God, but he believes in you. This world is full of hate and hurt and it is full of love and wonder. Chose your path wisely. It is more than just this life you have. Chose to be good and to do good. You will be rewarded.

Peace – Dave S. Nicholson
November 16, 2013

Wednesday, November 13, 2013

Art and a Message

Latest bit of art (cemetery).
Almost called 911 tonight. Had a spike of pain in my chest and almost went to the floor. But every time I go I get ignored. The have flagged all the people with a history of mental illness here. So we don’t get treated, instead they just think it’s in our heads and pass us over then send us home. It’s happened to me many times. The sad thing is this was on the news and the government admitted to doing it. No one cared at all. They call it “hot spotting”. So I just sit here waiting to die one of these days. I know I won’t get them to take me seriously so I don’t go any more. This is the 3rd time in 2 weeks this has happened. I see the heart doctor on the 14th. It’s to the point that I have given up eating right and instead I am just having what I like now. I stopped giving a shit. I am almost sure I won’t last 5 more years… I intend to enjoy ever last moment of it.

Peace - Dave.

P.S. Thank you Five Hills Health Region for making me loose all faith in our medical system.

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Hugs to you sad little man.

7 Years.

For 7 years the same psychotic dolt has been stalking me on YouTube.

How long does it take for a stupid person to realize I don't care that he "hates me".

I do completely understand his sexual attraction to me conflicts with his fundamentalist religious beliefs and so on. But the fact that almost all of his sock accounts where using women's names should spark something in his small mind. But he continues to go on and on and on about pointless things that I am at peace with. His use of the term, "jail cell" - to describe peoples homes, shows that he has spent time in jail. This is something I already know that, as I know he spent time in prison as a sex offender.

At best this is an annoyance for 1 maybe 2 minutes. Then I move on with my happy day, interacting with people who I love and that love me. He on the other hand needs to be pitied, as he will never know love in any form. He hates himself and when he sees his own traits in others, he attacks.

The fact that he frequents the soup kitchen in his city, is more proof of his failing in life at every turn. You can not be as angry as him and keep a job. All the good jobs will look into your past and the criminal record will keep him form having them. When you do nothing but attack people for being happy or who have the traits you hate in yourself, then employment only lasts a few days. You soon get a reputation in your community and you are out of options. Then it's time for the soup kitchen.

I will pray for you sad man with gender identity and sexuality issues. God loves you and so do I, even in your rage and anger. I pray that you find some peace in your life and that you find a way to love yourself. Big hugs to you sad and angry little man.

Peace - Dave.

Thursday, November 7, 2013

YouTube Comments

 Auto generated comments marked as spam. That worked.
 Best reaction to the comments change yet.
 Unable to reply to comments on my own videos.
One of the variations of the channel icon meant as a protest against Google.

Wednesday, November 6, 2013

The twisted thoughts in your damaged brain.

I know about you. I know your past. I know your crime. I know all there is too know. I can't say I would judge you, as we all do that on first sight. But I can say I understand you. This does not make what you have done right in my eyes. I do, however, forgive you. Still I will never trust you.

I know your reading this and I know you are thinking of me all the time. That's part of your problem, you can't distinguish between the twisted thoughts in your damaged brain and reality. So huddle in the dark halls and talk. Do what you do best and spread your poison. This is what you live for. In the end you only harm yourself. There will be a day of judgment. On that day we will see who is the better person.

Until then, keep reading and keep watching and keep talking. Those that know me well will never listen. Those that listen I want nothing to do with at all. People like you always expose who you are to the fools that listen to you in the first place. They will know and when they do they will shun you. Your never safe from your own lies and hate. Your never safe from your delusions. Your never safe from thinking everything I do or say is about you. This is worse than anything I could do to you. Your punishment is your tortured soul and your lack of love. Those who can not love are hated be all in their minds. Those who can not love are doomed to live the pain they want to inflict on others. Your words cut you more than the ones you talk about. Your mind hate you and you more than anyone else ever could.

Keep watching and reading and talking. Your life is filled with obsession and you will never be free. You will never sit with a friend and enjoy the sunset. For you the beauty of this world does not exist. Your twisted mind will not let it.

I will pray for you.