Have you ever felt empty? I don't mean bored or alone. I mean empty. The kind of dead inside feeling that makes you want to stop living. Well, I have. I was on the edge of giving up and checking out. I did all kinds of things to make the pain inside stop. The number one this was to let others hurt my body. To let them screw me and beat me. I did not know anything but anger for myself. To be angry was so much more easy than to be in pain inside. To be hurting on the outside was to distract from the inside.
I also drank to kill the pain inside. To try and run from who I was. I don't think of myself as an addict, as I can just have one beer and be done with it. But then I drank to not know what my mind thought of me. I drove my car very fast in the dark all alone and turned the lights off. I had sex with people I did not know just to try and be... Or feel...
I know it's not in fashion these days to talk about a love for God. But this is what changed my world. This is what made me who I am now. The one who can be there for others and the one who will never give up. I am not talking words in a book or a building to gather with others. I am talking about sitting in a park on a warm day and feeling the wind touch me soul.
When my father died I kind of died. I did not care any more. The world was a thing not a being. Now the world to me is alive and I am a part of it. I have listened and heard the voice of God say my name and speak of my worth. I have seen the day rise and fall and was stuck with the awesome power of the universe. I am complete because I believe in God.
I am not saying you must think like me. If you are getting that message you are reacting not to what I say, but what you think I am saying. All I say is that without God I would be no one. Without God my Mother would have died alone, frightened and knowing I went before her. But because of God I was there for her every day until her last breath was taken in front of my eyes. And I know I will see her again. As I will see all I have loved that have gone before me.
Two days before my Mom passed on to the next life. I felt as if someone was in the room with me. I knew she was going soon. I felt it was her sister. The last words I heard my Mom speak where, “I see you there Jain”. Then I never herd her speak again.
The day she died I was out with friends. They where late to pick me up – very late. But if they where on time I would have been home alone and would not have been able to get to Mom in her last moment. I did not order food that night and they did. Also strange. My friend got me there on time and in 20 minutes she was gone. This to me is more than just luck. It is too much happening at the same time to just be luck. This was the work of a higher power guiding me to the right time and place with the right people.
Be who you wish to be. But if these words move you, there is a reason. Listen and want to listen. You may hear the voice of God. It might not be literal. It might be a bird singing. It might be a stranger saying, “Good day”. It might be a lost cat wanting your help. But that voice is there. That love is there for you. You do not have to believe in God, but he believes in you. This world is full of hate and hurt and it is full of love and wonder. Chose your path wisely. It is more than just this life you have. Chose to be good and to do good. You will be rewarded.
Peace – Dave S. Nicholson
November 16, 2013