Dave Nicholson

The inside of both my ankles have these veins going on. There is also a lump there that is not so small. Need to get at my toenails and remove all this dead skin. It's hard for me to do this as I'm disabled and it gives me a lot of back and neck pain to get at my feet. There is this lump at the side of my big toe on the left foot. It is a cyst of some kind I'm told. I've got another on my right wrist. For over a week now my feet have been kind of red. It does not show well here, but kind of does. The look much more red in real life. For some time they also had a very strong pain like a bunch of needles stabbing me, and a pulsating feeling. Should really see my family doctor about this. And yes I know - dead skin. Trust me it's been worse.  

Well this is post number 3000, and I decided to talk about something I know about all too well. Level 6 pain head to toe. Very stiff joints. Covered in hives. Full body itchy. I am sweating but the fan literally hurts my skin. Eyes sensitive to light. Bad headache. Bowel pain. Explosive diarrhea. Metallic taste in my mouth and my hands and feet feel freezing cold although the rest of me is feels extremely hot. Fucking love fibromyalgia. Sigh. It has been half my life dealing with this in some form or the other. This was by far not the most pain it is given me but the widest range of other symptoms that come along with it for sure. Most of the time it is just pain and maybe the itchiness. Not yesterday. It took 15 years to get a doctor to say to me “It’s fibromyalgia”. Until then no one knew what it was. Then the doctor I had retired suddenly due to health reasons. I was scrambling to find a new doctor and the only one taking people at the time was far across the city and not to g...

It is a common thread among angry people that they externalize the hate for themselves. It is all but unheard of that people of violent thinking and actions like themselves. Only a pure sociopath will harm with no self anger. In their case it's a release and nothing more. Like masturbation for a normal person. In any event they are all people who can not function on a normal level in any respect. The mind is preoccupied by their desire to do harm. For the vast majority of people who are driven by hate, they are too scared to act in any real manner. Instead the hide in the shadows or in large numbers of people who think they have a cause. The reality is the so called cause is a way to hide the loathing of the self and place it on others. Only a small number will ever do more than yell, rant, rave or leave comments on social media. These are the true threat to society. The ones who can not be saved and need to be taken from society in one manner or the other. If you encounter 90% of ...

The reaction to the scented stuff the people next door are using in the bath. It is coming out of every drain. The sink in the kitchen and bathroom and the bathtub. The plumbing here is obviously not up to code or this would not be happening. The manager is off come place for God knows how long... The kind of reaction I am having tends to get worse every time it happens. So eventually if this is not corrected, it will be fatal. So they need to fix this soon or I have to get the hell out of here. This reaction is about 30 min after the start of the scent leaking into my apartment. As you can see my entire body is red and swelling up. It is burning my eyes and my throat. I have a violent headache as well. But if I take pain pills the Benadryl will not work as well. I took the Benadryl as soon as I smelled the scent. It is still this violent a reaction. Thank you chemical companies for making everything scented.

Have you ever felt empty? I don't mean bored or alone. I mean empty. The kind of dead inside feeling that makes you want to stop living. Well, I have. I was on the edge of giving up and checking out. I did all kinds of things to make the pain inside stop. The number one this was to let others hurt my body. To let them screw me and beat me. I did not know anything but anger for myself. To be angry was so much more easy than to be in pain inside. To be hurting on the outside was to distract from the inside. I also drank to kill the pain inside. To try and run from who I was. I don't think of myself as an addict, as I can just have one beer and be done with it. But then I drank to not know what my mind thought of me. I drove my car very fast in the dark all alone and turned the lights off. I had sex with people I did not know just to try and be... Or feel... I know it's not in fashion these days to talk about a love for God. But this is what changed my world. This is what made...

Who is John? He is his own worst enemy. This is a person who spent a lifetime seeing himself as being bullied and pushed around by everyone he knows. All of the people who showed him any love or compassion where in turn treated as oppressors by John. His stories of school days are filled with endless torment and violence. The reality is that no one even knew he was there. He was left alone just like he wanted to be. But John remembers it as everyone picking on him all the time. When someone befriended him it would not take long till he started to phone them up and try to hide his voice and make harassing calls. The entire time trying to unload his stories of torment on the unsuspecting friend. It does not take long for this friend to figure it all out and walk the other way telling John to get lost. But it will never end there. There will be calls to the cops and stories of all manner of bad things by John. He will stalk them online and try to seek revenge for all the shit his mind in...

So at 2:20 am the roof made a heck of a sound. Then there was this banging sound at 3:20 am. After that at 4:30 am there was a nice big door slamming... At 5:30 am I work up to my arms jerking about. They feel like I been lifting heavy things all night for some reason. The bowl pain was way up last night as well but I took a couple of T4's (as it was extreme) and that seems to have fixed it for now. I just had the breakfast of champions, a mango, some blue cheese and a few cookies. This is laundry day but I don't have coins for it... So I will have to go to the Safeway and get some. Laundry day sucks by the way...

There is something wrong with me and I can guess and others have guessed but I don't know what... They don't seem interested in finding it out. There are a hell of a lot of autoimmune dysfunctions that can cause what I feel - no testing. Got a test for lupus but they are not accurate and you can do 15 years before it is positive. My dad was sent home from Regina hospital and died in the car beside me as I was taking him home. They ignored him to death. My mother was told for years that she had a chest infection when it was cancer. The cancer doctor told us this was the case. She up and said they dropped the ball on this one. So she was ignored to death... Now it's my turn. I can live with it and just hope that when the pain gets out of hand more than it does now they give me something better. For now I have to take too many of them to make it so I can sleep when the pain is up high. Your not supposed to take as much as I do - but I have to or I will be in pain for days wit...

I was watching Gran Torino and it comes to the part where he is told he has cancer. I started to cry thinking of the long and sad death of my Mother. I said to God, “why do you allow so many terrible things”. I think of children with cancer, birth defects that disable for life and war. I think how much I have and how little most of the world has. I think how the money we have in the west could feed the world. I ask, “Are you blind or are you not even there”. The pain of loss still pushes me down in the dirt. The pain of all that is wrong in this world rises me up in anger. I want to grab some rich guy and beat him in the face and say, “why do you have all this when children in your own city are hungry”? I ask myself, “Why when you are extra money do you do for yourself and not for others”? I have no answer to any of these questions but the last. I am selfish and I will justify my actions just like everyone else does. I think of God and I feel a warm hand on my left shoulder. God is not...

A lot seems to be going wrong this last while. Health wise I mean. Makes me wonder how long I am going to be around on this old earth. Makes me wonder if the time is short. It’s all getting worse you see. The pain is getting worse. My knees have let up some but now and then it just hurts all over my body. Pain like I cannot describe to you. The pain in my bowls is getting to me a lot more often. I am not plugged up in fact it’s the opposite, I go often and it comes out with ease. Yet the pain is so bad. Right now it’s at a 6 I would say. The other night it was a perfect 10. Unimaginable pain. The two days ago I had a lot of blood coming out of my back end. Must have been over a cup of it in total. Sure I sat there for 6 hours waiting to get into the ER. Sure they passed me off like so many times before. But right now I don’t care. Right now I just want to know if this is going to kill me or not. Right now I just want to know if I should be saying goodbye or not. I look back on my life ...

Yes I am bad I used to "R" word. I have been programmed for over 40 years to say it. It's so hard to stop using it.

The hurt of losings someone just never goes away. Ever time I think I am past the point of crying it comes back. Remember all the good times just makes you miss them more some days. All the little things like watching the news with her, or cooking for her. I wish this would just stop... But then I would be dead inside if it did. So I live with the pain and go on to have joy fill my day tomorrow. But for tonight I am going to lie in the dark and hide the tears...

So I been reading a lot about the right to die. In Canada we are starting to move closer to demanding the right from out government. In a small about of countries in the world it is in place right now. The religious folks will say that it's a sin. I have to say, how can it be? When a person has no hope of being better and the quality of life is to a point that there is noting left but suffering, I feel they have the right to ask for death. I do not think this right should be given lightly and a quick but educated decision should be reached by a board of doctors on a case by case bases. In special cases where the person has not the capacity to understand what is going on, I am very much at a loss as to what should be done. We have a world famous example of that in Saskatchewan where a man put his daughter to death to end her suffering. He spent some time in jail and his life was forever scared ...

Pain level is up and climbing. Can't sleep, so I mite as well go with it. Time to do some tripping on the chemicals in my own brain :) Don't worry folks, I done this so many times. The pills do nothing on a night like tonight. I wish I could teach others how to do this, but I can't - there is no way to describe it. It's like a trip on Acid if you been there in a way, but your in control the entire time. Like being in a different world for the night.

Have you ever thought about the spirituality of pain? If you are in a lot of pain and you meditate on leaving your body, you can do so more easily. There is a term in the BDSM community called "Sub Space" - one can be lost in the lucid experience of pain and submission. One can get into a entire different way of seeing the world. The doors of perception open to you. Now if you suffer from chronic pain, you can use it to the same ends. This is one way to fight the pain; to turn it into something else. The spirit world is closer to you the more pain you are in. There is a danger though, where the dark spirits can enter your mind. This is what some actually look for. But there are ways to build immunity to the dark spirits. Still they are always waiting. But for the most part one can meat those long dead or those who are not human and never where. Some can even enter the lower levels of what we call heaven or hell.

Why do I have so many head aches? Ya know the doctors here say it's nothing. The also told Mom it was nothing so many times and it was something very bad. They kept telling my friends dad it's nothing, he now has had a pacemaker put in. So how long till "nothing" kills me? Other thing is, I went to coffee last night and got the hell bit out of me. I have these 3 very large bug bites on my lower back - just where my undies sit at the top of them. They burn like hell and itch like mad. They are also the size of a robins egg. Dang I hope no critters came home with me from there. I don't need that stuff in my life right now.

Of Sadness. July 11, 2012 David S. Nicholson What do you know of sadness? Have you felt the loss of all you held dear? What do you know of sadness? Have you seen the flood of your children on the boots of anger? What do you know of sadness? Has the winter taken your father? What do you know of sadness? Has the sea taken your brother? What do you know of sadness? Your smiles have torn my heart from my chest. Your glitter blinds me to the joy of this world. Your song is like a whip on my back. Your lips spill the words I dare not speak. What do you know of sadness? Have you seen the fires burn their flesh? What do you know of sadness? Have you longed for the grave? What do you know of sadness? Has your crop rotted in the field? What do you know of sadness? Has your mind turned on its self? What do you know of sadness? Your bells ring of spring. Your fingers touch the morning sun. Your eyes sparkle with delight. Your children sing of heaven. What do you know of sadness? What do you know o...

Martyr 2.65 - Poser 8 and Bryce 7.1 Pro... Use as you wish...

Well Mom has appointments Tuesday, Wednesday and Friday. I don’t see the Dr. till Thursday. So there is something to do every day this week but today... I wanted to rest and try to get the pain in my back and legs down a little. Can’t do it though – Mom wants to go shopping! I can’t seem to instill in her how much pain I am in – some times I am white with pain and she don’t see it... Others will look at me as if to say, “man are you alright” – but Mom don’t see it. I know she needs me, but what the heck... Every day? God I hope the Doctor gives me something that will work for the pain. When she called and told me she wants to go shopping I literally felt sick... The worst thing is I am trying hard to drop some weight, and things like this make me want to eat till I pass out. Why can’t I make her see what is going on with me. She seems to get it, then she does this... Man I fell like hell right now and this does not help at all. I feel like screaming and tossing a chair out ...