Monday, August 29, 2016

Remembering My Life

Remembering My Life

Part 1.

There was a time when I was a young person. I think I was about 10. We decided we were doing to get naked and play in this deposit of wet clay we found when on our bikes out in the countryside. See this is the way kids think. If I take my clothing off, they won’t be covered in clay and Mom won’t know. The reality that there was no clean water and that at best we could just be less dirty did not strike us at all. Us being two friends and I. So we rolled nude in the wet clay bank and pushed each other and had the best time ever. We never thought that someone might come along and do anything to us. Things then where so different. No one talked about that kind of thing. To see this in the light of a distant memory now is to think how fucking lucky we got that we were not picked up by the RCMP or nabbed by some sex offending low life. But at the time it was just three good friends rolling in the clay. The result of course was that we could not get clean enough after in the muddy waters. We ended up home late and smelling like swamp and covered in muck. We all got to spend several days’ home grounded to think about the stupidity of what we did and why it was wrong. The thing is, I would give almost anything to live that afternoon over again. That feeling of being free of the world and only joy in our hearts is long gone. Now it’s payments and rent and what food to get on a budget and how am I going to afford clothing when a 3 pack of undies in my size is $45. But then it was day after day of just being alive in the moment and never thinking of tomorrow. We just did stuff. We just lived. We just where part of this wonder of a world. Now we are oppressed by it and only on the odd moment we glimpse the joy of life that we once thought would never end.

Part 2

I was 16 and sitting in a dugout in the evening with someone I knew from school. Well I knew him from elementary school and he was going someplace else now. I am not talking about the kind of dugout that water goes in, but the kind the baseball players go in. We were having some beer he got somehow. I never did know how he got it. I knew that he was a strange kid when we were going to the same school, but I had no idea he was this fucked up in the head. We talked about fighting to start with, you know the bravado of the teen male, telling of the fights we got in in school back then. The on the 3rd beer (there were only 6) he started to tell me how he liked to kill animals with this knife he had and showed it to me. He said he liked to hear them scream and to see “the fear in their eyes”. He said he would like to do the same to a person some time. In fact, he had this plan to do it with hookers, but for some fucking reason they had to be blond. He said, “if I cut the clothing off and the pubes where not blond they would die slower”. He was not interested in fucking them, he just wanted to see the look in their eyes when “the light went out”. I just sat there in shock not knowing what to say. I just listened to him go on and on for about an hour. Then without a word he got up and just walked away. I wonder how lucky I was that he did not kill me. I wonder what happened to him. I saw his name in the paper a few times on the police blotter. He was charged with violent assaults on a woman both times. I think they got lucky because he was not very strong and a little person to say the least. Then there was nothing. I was told he moved to Alberta. I wonder if he ended up as a dangerous offender, locked up for the rest of his life. I guess I will never know.

Part 3

School days in King George where kind of a mix of good and bad times. There were a lot of kids going there from broken families and a lot of damaged goods. They liked for the most part to cause trouble and to push people around. I was always a big kid and they left me alone after I started to push back. But I know others were not so lucky. But the fondest memory was of the lady who worked in the library. She was the nicest person you could hope to meet. She also showed me that there was more to this world than just what is in it. If we opened our minds and just let them wonder, we could be in worlds we created. She is one of the two major reasons I started to do art. She is the reason I started to try and put words to paper, even though I was never that good at it. We had conversations; something that I did not get out of other adults at the time. I honestly think she is the reason that I stopped being an ass hat and started to apply myself. She is why I ended up a good person. I was in the wrong crowd to start with. God knows where I would have ended up. Well I know because that is why one of the two friends I talked about earlier is dead. He died at the hands of another gang member in Winnipeg Manitoba. One of the other reasons I became a productive person instead of a drug addict or a criminal is that he moved and the other friend and I started to stop wanting to smash shit and be a general waste of space. But that librarian was the number one reason I started on the path to who I am today, even if I did divert off the path a few times in my twenties.

Part 4

So I am now in the work force. I am painting and I am good at it. House painting that is. I was in charge of the three others in my group. I was not demanding, just told them if you don’t work like I work you are gone. I spent a lot of time with them and with a drink in my hand - other than at work. The one was this wild redhead and one of the biggest mistakes I made in my working history. It was strange how we came together in the same job for the same reason. It was even more strange that we both had the same birthday. The same day, month and year. Further still, we were popped out into the world at the same hospital in Saskatoon on the same night hours apart. We kind of hit it off and kind of ended up doing things you should not be doing with people who were under you at work. The other two ended up changing almost every other week, but me and that red head who fucked like an animal worked hard and played hard for almost a year. Then the work was over. The man who owned the place had managed to run it into the ground when the economy was booming. But oh well. We saw each other a few times after and kind of drifted toward other people. Once again I never saw her again after a few years. Yet another person who drifted into the mist so to speak.

Part 5

Church. OK this is after I admitted to myself that I had sexual feelings toward other men and women at the same time. I did not know the term bisexual yet even. It was my late twenties. A friend and I (one of the original three) started to go to a fundamentalist church. Now being that he is a full on gay man and I went both ways, thigs ended up stupid and we were damaged in many ways. We got full on into this entire God thing and studied the bible ever night (literally every night). The non-forgiving preaching’s of the pastor stuck with us and drove a wedge into our souls. It was the start of an exploration for me to find God on my own terms that lasts to this day. It was also the start of loathing of all things religion for my friend. His logic on the topic goes like this. Mom and Dad told me there was a God they also told me there was a Santa and an Easter Bunny. The last two where a lie, so God had to be a lie as well. But for me the feeling that there was a power out there that no only cared out us, but wanted us to grow, never went away. I found what I was looking for on my terms and continue to seek answers. I also accept that others are on a different path and that all paths that do no harm at paths to God. I also know that books are by men, and men make mistakes. Religion is of the mind and God is of the heart. When these two things get together there is often conflict in many forms. My biggest hope it to never stop looking for more in this respect.

Part 6

Pain is something I know very well. I have been on a long path these many years to many jobs and to the lives of many people. I also was on a path to spending the rest of my life in pain. This was to get slowly worse as the years rolled on. It’s been about seventeen years now since I would work full time. I have been on disability or welfare for over ten years now. I am not to the point where there is no possibility of me being productive in the workforce. I can only manage to sit in a chair for twenty minutes or so at a time. If I push it maybe forty-five. But then I end up in a lot of pain like I am now, as I am pushing to get this out while my head is clear of the fog. I have pushed myself to sit for hours at a time and ended up on the floor or passed out in a car or truck. Some days though I can sit up for five hours at a time, but most times not even close. I spent many years trying to find out what was wrong with me and in the declining years of my Doctors life he came up with Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. There is a condition that when I am upright for a long time the pain gets worse to the point where I can pass out as I mentioned. Also there are times of brain fog that can last for day where it is literally hard for me to even talk. I can sound to others in this time like I am mentally challenged and I am certain this is what some who have met me thought. The pain comes in many forms and this feeling like my head is incased in cement some days is something that most people could never relate too. The feeling of being wide awake and so tired you want to sleep for a year, all at the same time. There are times where I feel like parts of my body are on fire. Literally it’s a burning pain. The strange part of this is at the same time as the fire, some parts feel ice cold. Other times I feel like thousands of bugs are chewing on me at the same time, in fact I had this today. I could go on, but I won’t. I am tired as hell now from forcing myself to write this in one go. I must lay down before I literally pass out. I can feel the darkness slipping in and the pull of gravity is strong. The reality that when I am rested there will be no way I can maintain this trend of thought is also pushing me. But the pain and the tired wins. I mist lay down.

Thank you for reading this slice of my life from several time frames. I hope there will be more sooner or later. I just wish I could vlog like this. But I can’t. Peace and Love – Dave Nicholson.

Thursday, August 18, 2016

Good Actions, Great Actions and Selfish Actions

To be a good person you need to think of others now and then. To be a great person you need to think of others first most of the time. The ego wants us to be the centre of the universe. To be a great person you need to kill the ego within. This is the death of personality in one respect and the birth of personality in another respect. It is also the reason I will only ever be a good person. I like to be attended to and I like to be seen as someone special. To be great I would have to look past that and see others are the goal all of the time. This is also why all but a small handful of people in politics will never be great and almost none will even be good people. We can do good for the wrong reasons. If it feeds the ego then it is not a good act. If no one ever knows it was you, then it is a great act.

Just some words I will let you think about. Peace and Love - Dave.

Are You Blessed?

I rather long to be one of those people we tend to call unfortunate. The person who literally does not understand what is wrong with their life and simply accepts it is being another day. I have had the belling to know people like this. People who others have used very hurtful words to describe. But to them, life was great and full of wonder no matter how hard the times where. So how could I say that they where less than I? How could I say they where unfortunate? For the most part they had love for all people with no conditions. For the most part they saw the day as a thing to experience in splendour. But for me, all I can see some days is that I don't have enough to be secure or comfortable. All I see other days is that I am disabled and will never be more. To spend my days seeing this world as a beautiful thing with no worry would be a gift. And yet people called them names and looked down at them. Those who think they are blessed often are cursed. Those who find the simple pleasure in all things around them, are actually blessed.

Hugs and Love guys.

Wednesday, August 17, 2016

It Started With A Bag Of Sprinkles

November 4th 1995.

It all started with a bag of sprinkles and a jar of jam. It ended with a ride in an ambulance with a police escort and me trying to explain to the nice Doctor why I was covered in jam and sprinkles in the middle of a parking lot. I thought the part where I was singing I am the walrus was obvious, but I had to explain it twice. Thankfully the charges where dropped as long as I attended therapy sessions. Little did they know I was going to turn up in a latex walrus suit playing the trombone. Now it looks like I will be spending my birthday in the nut house. But this magic dragon plays a good game of chess and the coffee is not bad, although I think it's some form of decaf. I think that giant spider is trying to escape. Maybe when it tries next time, I can slip out the back door. I have fashioned a key out of soap and I am sure it will work in the door.

Your's truly the Great Tomato...

P.S. please don't mind if this is written on toilet paper...

Thursday, August 11, 2016


Weight Update Week 21


Mar 22, 2016
Mar 28, 2016
Apr 3, 2016
Apr 16, 2016
Apr 24, 2016
Apr 30, 2016
May 6, 2016
May 13, 2016
May 20, 2016
May 27, 2016
Jun 3, 2016
Jun 10, 2016
June 17, 2016
June 25, 2016
July 1, 2016
July 8, 2016
July 14, 2016
July 22, 2016
July 29, 2016
Aug 6, 2016
Aug 11, 2016





UP or DOWN (lbs)

No change
+6 pizza
+2.2 Pizza
+2.2 Pasta
+10 Junk Food
+8.6 Unknown

Total -33.4 (21 weeks)

Wednesday, August 10, 2016

How I Will Survive Aggressive Cuts To Disability By An Uncaring Government

How I Will Survive Aggressive Cuts To Disability By An Uncaring Government

So making changes to fit the new you don't got no money for anything life I am about to start and phoned up Shaw Cable...

Me "Hi I would like to cancel the cable so I can afford to eat".
Rep "We have packages that cast less".
Me "No I need to cancel it".
Rep "you are on a service agreement and we can't do that till October"
Me "I want to do it in October because that's when they are cutting my disability way back".
Rep "It does not look like we can schedule you that far in advance, you will have to call back in September".
Me "Well OK if I have to, but it's a bit inconvenient".
Rep "OK have a nice rest of your day OK".

Think about it - I just said my disability is being cut way back and that it's a choice between cable and FOOD. "Have a nice rest of your day". Sigh...


So then I got on Sasktel's web page and was able to get things done in chat (Shaw made me phone someone - I hate being on the phone). So in like 3 or 4 min, I was on a less expensive cell phone plan and still got all the toys I like, like unlimited long distance and texting and picture sending. Just got rid of the voice mail and went from a limit of 13GB a month to 10GB a month. I can live with that for a saving of $20. The cable thing I had an extra package or two on so it is a saving of $98 a month. So a total of $118 a month I can spend on things like toothpaste and what not when I need it...


Then I did the math. Found out with the lower bills I will have $170 left over for the random things I need and a trip or two a week out for coffee. This is good. I of course kept the internet (or will be keeping it as I am NOT ALLOWED to cancel the cable till October. Being the changes to my benefits don't start until October, this will work out just fine. Here are the numbers:

First 5 things are my benefits coming in. The 3 under that are the money going out. Finally we have the left over for any random thing that comes up. After all sometimes we just need to get a few things in the middle of the month.


So when I shop for food I generally get over 90% of what I need in one go and have it delivered. This way it comes to my door and I don't need to literally cause myself to risk a heart attack (have a bad heart) in the process of getting it up the stairs, not to mention how much pain I would be in trying to do it. Well then there is the risk of some twat taking my stuff before I came down to get the rest.

Why all at once? Then you don't have to spend more money later on more delivery (as I really can't carry stuff).

I also tend to wait till it's on sale real good like. This never happens right away at the end of the month when we get paid, so it's a good idea to have a week or two worth of food left over at the end of the month. Sometimes the start of the next month will be a great sale time and other times it's the second week. Not often it's the third and if it is I generally have to just suck it up and do my best.

I go to Co-op and generally they have one big sale one week out of the month. This lets me save a bunch of cash. I budget $300 for food and can actually feed myself well for that - not just a bunch of noodles and pasta. When I do get pasta it lasts for 3 months and it's low carb kind. I do get canned tomatoes to cook with as they keep and the fresh ones will be dead in a week and I have to go get more. Frozen veggies are the thing to get. Fresh ones are not all that much more healthy for you and the frozen ones are a fraction of the price as fresh. Another good rule when getting a few things to make a salad with is organic is a flipping scam, don't be tempted to pay way the heck more for no real reason. Just get the normal stuff. BTW organic does NOT last as long in the crisper as the normal stuff. Fruit I get as a treat once a week. The stuff is not all that expensive but it has a lot of sugar in it and being that I have fibromyalgia the sugar in the fruit will cause me problems if I eat too much of it, so I just go and get a couple of things and snack them down.


Keeping yourself from going crazy and running naked threw the nearest Walmart is easy enough. Just keep yourself distracted. This is why I am spending money on the internet. I am disabled and can't just up and go for a walk and I don't have the money to go to a movie or what not. So... I tend to go out for coffee with my friends once and a while. This ends up casting my on average of $20 a month. This is not bad to get the hell out once or twice a week. We tend to go to places that are NOT Starbucks or Timmies. They are expensive, not too good and make you pay for refiles.

Other things I can do is take photos. I saved up money to buy a camera. I mean you get one for less than $100 that is very good quality. So I take photos and I play with them on the computer to turn them into a kind of art or I just post them on Facebook.

This brings up to Facebook and the reason for the interwebs... Social interaction all day and at night when I can't sleep. I have people on there that I call true friends and I can talk to them day or night, as most of them are just like me and home alone most of the time. They are all around the world, so time is not an issue - someone is always on. Now you don't need to spend a lot of money to get internet good enough for Facebook.

I do spend more money on the net though as I like to watch Netflix and for the price of $9 a month I get more HD movies and TV shows than I can actually watch in a year. So it's a good thing. I tend to watch 3 or 4 movies a week some times and other times none at all. I do also tend to watch Shows on there.

Then there is the wonderful world of YouTube. Now there is literally endless content on there. There are full length movies that are rather old. There are cartoons, there are any manner of entertainment on there. I also Vlog - I have posted at least one Vlog (video blog) a day for over 4 years now. I enjoy the interaction with others threw posting and watching vlogs. I have gotten to be close friends with several people on YouTube this way and have known them for years.


Being rational. Do you really need to have a lot of space to live in? I saw one person facing the same cuts as I am but he is living in a two bedroom apartment and claims he can't find lower rent. Well I looked up apartments in his city and I know where the bad places there are. There are actually several small apartments like I have - studio apartments with everything in one room. He, like I, lives alone. Why then does he need all that space? The saving is hundreds of bucks and will end up in the difference between having quality food to eat or eating crap food and messing up his health even more.

There really is no need for cable TV as streaming services are a fraction of the cast. Lets see - I get rid of cable and there are literally 3 TV shows I won't be able to get on netflix or threw a TV app I have. On;y 3 out of the large amount of shows I used to watch on Cable. So oh well. I live with out Black Sails and the like. The rest of them are on Netflix or on the TV app. No need to spend a pile of money to be able to watch advertising and what not LOL.


In summation. The vast majority of the anxiety and panic I felt over the loss of $287 from my monthly budget was for the most part - the loss of freedom I had to do things like once a week order a pizza or eat out with friends and on time to time have a few beer with someone. Then there was the Cable - this sounds stupid as I KNOW I can live without it. But it was a link to the past when things where better and I had a family to be around and we sat together and watched TV. We don't NEED to order a pizza and we don't NEED to get a few drinks at the pub. We NEED to eat proper food and keep our minds busy.

I do however have no delusions that others will be effected in a negative manner by this. They will be split between rent and food and what not. All I am saying is that I have options and I don't need to move as I am already in the low end for rent in my city and it would be a loss for me to be in a different location. I don't know everyone's needs but I know mine will be met.

Fear is a powerful tool that strikes the mind deeply. When you are at the control of others and literally have no choice in the mater, you fear change even if it in the end is for the better. My biggest loss is not being able to get a cleaner in to clean my apartment now. This is the only big issue I have. I am in heart failure and it is kind of dangerous for me to be doing things like cleaning as it takes a lot of effort. But I also know if I do it over several days and not in one afternoon I will be able to do it. Or at least I hope so as I have NOT done it in a long time. This is also the advantage of a rather small living space - it's easy to clean. I don't know how someone who is very disabled can clean that 2 bedroom themselves for example.

Now all that being said, if the benefits are cut even deeper, then I will be in a lot of trouble as I need to eat proper and if I don't I literally might die sooner rather than later. I also have little to no choice as for moving. If I move, I will be in a location that will cast me a lot of money for transportation and now I am centrally located and have very few travel casts. If I do move I need a place that is at least $150 less to make it possible to be there and have an advantage money wise. This would leave me in a place that is literally not safe to live in. A place that has no only rather questionable people and a high crime rate, but is physically not safe to live in because of the condition of the buildings. So here I stay on the 3rd floor of a building and being hard for me to do stairs and paying $650 a month in rent. If the rent goes up more than $50 in the next few years I will also be screwed. But we will crass that bridge when I get to it.

Saturday, August 6, 2016

Windows 10 Anniversary Update

So the Anniversary Update - all 18GB of it is installed. It seems to have fixed a lot of irritating bugs like the extremely low audio on the USB mic and the recycling bin taking literally over a minute to come up with the dialog to empty it. There is improved apps in the mix and some extra features in setting up the display and so on. There are a lot of pluses for sure. There is however, the fact that the nice fast boot time is a thing of the past. I mean the boot is 4 times as long now. Not to mention run times are slightly slower on some of my more memory intensive apps. Oh well - once you uninstall all the stuff it installs and you don't really need it's not bad. The only thing is, that darn just up and reset even know I told you to NEVER do that thing is back. Sigh... Well nothing is perfect and you can't pay me enough to use a Mac - so I will live with it.

Two Kinds of Soup

 Lentil Soup. Veggie stock, mixed veggies, tomatoes, lentils, Salsa and the last bit of alphabet pasta LOL. Slow cooker on high for 3 hours. Pasta in at the last 15 min mark.
TexMex Chicken Soup. Chechen breast meat cut up small, Mixed frozen veggies, veggie stock, kidney beans, hot peppers, minced onions and celery. Slow cooker on high for 4 hours.

I almost have my keys back

Well what can I say. I almost got them back. A friend has them and I'll be getting them back sooner or later. But this was one sad state of affairs I tell ya. That and he went threw a mutual friend rather than give them to me face to face. That kind of says a lot as well. The big shame being I was well willing to forgive his behaviour until the time I saw all the rabid posts about me on his Facebook. Man to say things like that after someone was there for you for 35 years of your life. I get it that he is mad at something else and might not even know what it is he is mad at; but I just won't put up with that kind of stuff. It's a shame we had a lot of good times and so on. But in the end he was literally never there for me without complaining his ass off about it first and for days after. He was never one to listen to my troubles or my pain. So after all that time of this one sided thing we had - It is best to just say never again.