If I Vanish

A lot seems to be going wrong this last while. Health wise I mean. Makes me wonder how long I am going to be around on this old earth. Makes me wonder if the time is short. It’s all getting worse you see.

The pain is getting worse. My knees have let up some but now and then it just hurts all over my body. Pain like I cannot describe to you. The pain in my bowls is getting to me a lot more often. I am not plugged up in fact it’s the opposite, I go often and it comes out with ease. Yet the pain is so bad. Right now it’s at a 6 I would say. The other night it was a perfect 10. Unimaginable pain. The two days ago I had a lot of blood coming out of my back end. Must have been over a cup of it in total.

Sure I sat there for 6 hours waiting to get into the ER. Sure they passed me off like so many times before. But right now I don’t care. Right now I just want to know if this is going to kill me or not. Right now I just want to know if I should be saying goodbye or not.

I look back on my life and I have to say there has been some hell. But who can’t say then been to hell by the time they get to my age? I know a lot of people have it way worse than I do and I am sorry for them. Yet when it’s your turn, you only think of you. It’s your job to think of you and to hold on to what is left. If I need to suffer I will; after all life means more to me than comfort. No way would I pull the trigger so to speak. I want every last moment, even if it’s clouded in pain.

I look back and see that I have changed people’s lives for the good. I have made a difference to more people than I can count. This is a blessing from God. The best thing in life is to be able to help someone else when they need it. To give them someone to look up to and to change their hearts. I can also say that I have come to know God very closely. He has changed me and made me his tool. I am blessed no matter what happens and no matter how short or long life is.

I won’t pray to live to be a 100. I won’t pray for the pain to end. I will pray that I can still see the joy that is in living another day. I pray that to my last breath I will be able to make a difference for someone else. There is nothing more I want.

I had a call from a good friend today and it made me proud to be who I am. To know I helped him when he needed it. To know his life is better because he knew me is the greatest honor one can have. He is not the only one, there are many. And I give it all to God for leading me to be in their path. If it were not for the hard times, the voices, the madness, the fear and the haters I would not be able to write this and for it to have any meaning. I could not have done this alone and would not be here today if it were not for God and the Love of family and friends.

Those who would put me down have never had any of these things. So I do not pray for me, I pray for them to know Love. A Love that starts with loving themselves and a love that is handed to them from God. Do not speak of them with venom but with pity.

I guess this is me saying if anything happens and I vanish. Know I am always with God and that I will always be in the arms of Love. Do not have sorrow for my loss, but joy for knowing I loved you all; even if you hated me.

I will end this rambling letter to no one and every one with one word, “Peace”.


  1. I can relate to what you are going through. Like I've said before, you have been on my heart recently and still... hoping things improve for you. You inspire me with your willingness to share. Hang in their.



    1. Thanks Ryan. I have faith that God will do what is right. I do not have faith in our medical system though...


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