Sunday, July 31, 2016

Veda and Peda next month - Do You Want To Play?

OK Next month for vloggers is VEDA (video every day August) and I will be participating. VEDA has topics and I will be doing a VEDA and a normal Vlog every day all month. So there will be 2 videos a day. Veda link is here:

Well for Photographers there is PEDA (photo every day August). It is in 2 parts Nature and Urban. So I will be posting a nature photo and a Urban photo from my archive all month every day. I will be posting them to my Facebook page and to a group on Facebook then if I remember I will post at the end of the month on my Blog with all the photos.

Nibbles and Dinner

Well this small pack of cheese was nibbles for the day. It was not over the top hot but it was tasty as heck. 170g package. So not a lot. But it's cheese so not great choice of snack. Still could be worse.

This was dinner. Sushi boat. It's enough to fill me up until 10 pm. Then I'll have some popcorn while watching some Netflix. It said Dragon Boat - but it's California Rolls (normal and spicy) and a Dragon Roll. MMMM - but kind of a lot of starch.

Oh The Drama Just Won't End

So this is the fellow that I used to be friends with for like 35 years - Then he got all bent out of shape over the fact I called him on some bull shit he played me with. Ya know so bent out of shape he started making fun of the fact I have severely injured my knee and that I'm disabled. Takes a real man to do things like that don't ya think? But then again, I'm making fun of him right now... Hmmm... Well, never mind that... Fact is he has my spare keys and I don't think it's a good idea for him to have them. Well it's like 5:38 pm and still not a word back in reply. I seriously don't want to have to call the cops. I really don't want too... 

Speaks for it's self. No common friends or anything. The night after I made the comment "someone send me 1000 Xanax and 2000 Valium" as a joke - this popped into my inbox. So unless he/she/it is stalking me it's more than likely a freaking BOT trying to scam me. I mean really, best case scenario here is it's a low life drug dealing twat. But we will give it the benefit and say it's a freaking BOT.

Thursday, July 28, 2016

I Was Such A Fool For 35 Long Years

Recently unfriended a person I was very close to for 35 long years of my life. I treated him like family. When he needed someone to talk to I was always there. Now after seeing his true face, how can I ever have even the least bit of respect for this person ever again? It's gone and there is a deep hole in my heart where that love of a friend used to be. I am an all or nothing kind of person. If I care for them, I give every last bit of myself to them.

These shots where taken after I was told how he was talking about me. This is a person who always claimed to be a good person with high standards.

I should have known when I needed to talk and he would change the subject. This after many times of listening to his problems and offering what advice I had and giving sympathy.

It hurts that he thinks he is the victim some how and it hurts that I literally mattered less to him than being on Facebook. It hurts that he thinks it's OK to make fun of my disabilities that he obviously does not care to understand. Most of all it hurts that I ignored the fact of how he really is for all these years.

I know many things about him that even his parents do not know. I know many things that could damage his job and his standing with organisations he is part of. I even know things that where criminal in nature. But I seriously don't want to be that kind of person.

Somehow I thought I could go on and at least be decent to him when I saw him someplace and maybe chat a little. But it is very clear that all he is interested in is being hurtful and finding fault. So I hope he enjoys a good laugh or two at my experience, as so many others have in the past. The fact that in school he was the victim of bullies seems to have taught him nothing at all.

It's going to be a long time till this becomes tolerable again. It will be a long time till the world seems bright again. In the past when I was treated like this I just moved on, but it's never been from someone I gave so much of my life too. So the pain will linger for a long time and I won't be OK for a while. Maybe I won't be OK for a long time. I don't know. I just don't know what to think or to say or how to act. This has never happened to me like this.

P.S. I don't know if people can't understand chronic pain or they refuse to. All I know is that almost no one who has not lived this hell gets it. Also the mental illness I have keeps me from being able to work a real job. I can suffer the pain to get any task done, but I can't hold back what happens to my mind when I am under the pressure of a job. It's something that I can't overcome, something only those who suffer the demons I have suffered can know.

Final Thought: I can't unsee who you really are. I was willing to forgive till I saw it with my own eyes. I still forgive you, because I know people like you do this out of the pain you have inside you. But I can't trust you.

Saturday, July 16, 2016

Coming To Terms With Mortality

So I have finally come to terms with the fact that I am clinically fucked and about to drop dead. Now if I do it all right I might live ten or so more years. There is the other option of just pigging out of crap food, drinking whiskey getting fatter and dropping dead of a heart attack in the next year or so. This to most will be an obvious choice to extend ones life. But I tell you I am having a hard time with the idea of fading out over the next decade and the path of wanted self destruction is looking good right now.

Lets weigh the options shall we? Ten or so years of eating twigs and bark and not that much of them. Ten or so years of not getting drunk and not drinking coffee to the point my chest is thumping. Ten or so years of time to sit on my disabled ass and watch movies and talk to people on Facebook.

The other option seems to have way more appeal to it for me. Pig out and get it the fuck over with and drop the fuck dead. Sure people will miss me and be sad that I am gone. But this way at least they won't be wondering for a decade "is Dave dead" every time I am late to start posting on Facebook.

So who knows. I mean yes, I do want to live forever - but I realise we all drop dead. So maybe it's time to go to the Liquor Store and order an 8 topping large pizza. Woot.

Actually don't know how I want to play this one. That is the worst part. I DO want to live a while longer and I also want it to just be over with. Option 3 of just making it all STOP is not really my style, never has been. I'm not a quitter after all. So the reality will more than likely be in the middle where I freak out and eat 4 days worth of food in 30 minutes while sucking back some whiskey (well ok a lot of it).

All I know is it's going to take 6 people to carry my giant ass out the door when I drop dead. That is the only certain part of this. Who they fuck knows, I might live to be 70 or something stupid like that.

You Have Two Choices In Life

You have two options on your personal path. One stay healthy and do all you can to extend your life. This will make it a lot less fun though. You will spend a lot of time working out or running or walking or riding of bike or whatever. But you will spend the last twenty years of your life in some care home some place unable to remember who the people visiting you are. But at least you will live a long time.

The other option is to go out with a bang. Live life to it's fullest and have all kinds of fun along the way. About food, booze and spend your time having a good time with people you care about. This will ensure that you have a tragic, painful and somewhat short death. But for the most part you will have enjoyed most of your waking time on this planet.

I guess it's all up to choices. Some think you can live the clean life and be 105 when you die and enjoy the hell out of it. But I like to think of them as being a little less than informed and/or intelligent.

In the end life is short. We will all want more of it when the time comes. We will all spend the last little while unable to enjoy much other than Facebook and Netflix. But when you live it up that time frame is accelerated so it's less hard to tolerate. Hell if you do it right, you will just up and drop dead half way threw one hell of a good night and you won't have to worry about the disabled for a few years part.

So to sum it up YOLO.