Christmas is Not a Happy Time For Me

I have depression anxiety disorder. It can be a hell of a thing at times, and December is one of those times. The holidays are for family and friends. Well, I'm the last of my family, the rest are dead. Any cousins out there don't give a crap that I even exist. They have no time for a pansexual or a disabled person. As soon as I went on disability they stopped talking to me for the most part. When Mom died, it was all over, and they would not even look me in the eye if they saw me in a store.

So now when the holiday season hits, I get the feeling of loss deeply and I get depressed. The desire to be with loved ones this time of year is powerful to say the least. It makes me feel horrible that there is no one to be with.

As for friends, we can't really afford to get together for the holidays and celebrate. This year is going to be doubly hard on me, as I can't afford Christmas food for a celebration on the day. The things I normally get are out of reach, as the prices of them are through the roof this year. Food has more than doubled for the most part in the last 12 months. I can't imagine having 3 kids and a wife to feed these days.

Sadly I'm not alone here. A lot of people I know can't afford Christmas food this year. A couple of friends get the hamper from the salvation army, but I'm just not going to do that, I'd rather just be without. If I had Mom still in my life, I'd get it and we could have a nice meal at least. But she had been gone a long time now and I am alone - so I don't see it as worth it.

Still I'll miss having the meal. I can do without the pain of cooking it all (literally causes me pain in my body), but I would sure love to have a meal. The best I can do is pizza, and I did that yesterday thanks to a friend sending some money to me. So I had my "celebration" early this year. I don't think it has to be on the exact day really.

As for gifts, a friend sent cookies and some nice coffee for me and I'm very grateful. The only people I buy for, I can't afford to get anything for in time for Christmas, so it will be next month (January) when I give them their gifts - we all exchange small things with each other. I'm kind of sure they don't read my blog posts, but just in case, I won't mention what I'll be getting them.

The last Christmas meal I cooked for Mom was tainted in my memory. I went all out making her a great meal and it was perfect. But the next day she told me she could not remember having the meal - she said she knew we had it, but she could not remember it at all. I was devastated. I'll never forget that day. The knowledge that she was very much not OK set in at that moment. I knew the cancer had moved to her mind. It set in motion a decline in her health and her thinking that took part of me with her when she died.

Now with only memories in my head, the holidays are a sad time with a renewed feeling of deep loss and a desire for it to be OK again, but it never will be. For me, it is unlikely I'll ever have a Christmas dinner with friends again. It's all over and there is only the feeling of loss and a desire for more of the old times. Times that can never be again.

I honestly hope you have a good Christmas time. For me, there will be no enjoyment of the day, only memories and the bitter taste of loss fresh in my brain.