I'd Rather Die Than Rot Away

Next month it will be 11 years since my Mother died of cancer. It took a bit over 2 years to kill her and it was a horrific progression. She was a shadow of the person she used to be physically in the end. She also was blind, deaf, and unable to speak for the last two weeks. When she no longer knew who I was it tore the heart out of me. A short time before that I signed papers to terminate medical intervention and just let her go a bit more quickly, it was a kindness I think. I can't even imagine being locked in the silence of total darkness for two weeks, just waiting for death. When she passed it was a relief as her suffering was finally over. The only blessing is she did not seem to be in a lot of pain.

Seeing how life is in a care home, and how little freedom of choice you have in there, I'd honestly rather be dead than in one. If I have the choice in the end, I WILL be dead rather than in a home. The doctor ever tells me I have dementia or stage 4 cancer, I'm just going to ask him to go get the forms for termination of life and wait my time until they can put me down.

I thought of having people over for the end, but I don't think my friends want to watch me get a needle that kills me to be honest. I'm not afraid of death after watching Mother die. People who fear death don't believe you can lose the fear of it, but you sure as hell can.

In any event, treat every day as a blessing and hold on to the time you have that is free and you are able to do what you like. There is no guarantee that tomorrow will even come. Life is a gift that we should cherish. Enjoy your friends and the world around you. And if it comes to it, don't hold on too tight, a slow death is not worth the struggle.

Love and Light be with you. (Image is a painting I did of Mom shortly before her death).


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