Good People Keep Me Going

It's not easy to keep the pain for winning. It's not easy to keep from being depressed as hell. It's not easy to just take the pain and hope for the best. To keep smiling can be a struggle to say the least. But here I am still relatively happy with my existence.

I thank my friends for keeping me sane. I have a lot of good people standing behind me and supporting me. It is truly a blessing and I am glad that God has led me on a path that brings so many people who care into my life. Not many people have that support. I think I owe it to the fact that I express myself in such a public manner.

Some probably see it as attention seeking, but that is the function of anyone on social media if you think about it. Even if we limit the audience, we are still looking to be seen and to have interaction. I have been blessed to have that interaction in large quantity and of great quality.

It seems the new normal these days for me is to be in a lot of pain and have no hope of it ending and no hope of diminishing it with pills. They maxed me out on industrial pain meds in the hospital and it did next to nothing. I have a natural resistance to main meds that really sucks. It also means that, unlike my brother, I can't really expect to get a buzz off of the bloody things - so I get about nothing out of them.

Walking has become a punishment, but I can't get out of doing just that - I need to get to parts of the apartment and to get to the mail box or the laundry room.

It is a right bother to not easily put shoes on as well. I need the bloody things at times and I suffer great pain putting them on and my feet are usually swollen as hell and it makes it very hard to get them on my feet. I want to go for coffee on Thursday, but I don't know if I will be able to get my bloody shoes on my feet. I know at this moment I probably can't.

It's kind of amazing if you think about it that I am still around actually. I have little joy left and a hell of a lot of suffering. But it's enough joy to keep going and I have the love of many good people holding me up. This is all I need to keep strong and carry on.

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