I Can't Stop Wanting Stuff

I'm feeling sorry for myself. My birthday is in a few days and I'm literally completely broke. This is the first year ever where I won't be able to get some pizza or whiskey or anything. My friends will be getting me a cup of coffee, but that's about it. I should be happy to have them to be with on that day, but I am feeling down. The worst part is, I gave money to someone who needed it more, they had no food. This should negate the feeling of oh poor me - but it's still there. I realize there are a vast number of people worse off than me, but that fact does not lower my self imposed suffering. I also can't seem to GTFOI and just be happy for what I have. Society has told my my entire life I need "things" and "money" to be happy and it's so deep rooted that I feel bad. The other thing is, I knew this may happen, so I already had fun at the start of the month and I got a shinny new stuffed toy for myself. Yet because I can't have my usual, I feel bad. Do you realize how silly this is, because I sure do. The fact I can't help it, seems to be worse than the actual fact I am broke. I wish deeply that I could just be full on happy for what I have, but social programming has got in the way of that. Man the folly of our way of life here in the land of the free. Other parts of the world, people are happy to just have water to drink, and we get pissy that we can't have a special meal or some thing we wanted to have. The idea that the desire for possessions and wealth is the root of suffering seems to be very true to me right now. If I had the ability to live in the now and just enjoy the world, it would be so much better. I see people who can live in the now and be happy for what life gives them and I am simply amazed at that. To be honest, if I had $25,000 a month, I would still want more, it's the way we where raised to be here. It's never enough, we can never be free of it and we can never be happy for what we have. Yes, I'm grateful for every last thing, but that desire for more gets in the way of try happiness. God to be back as a child when I was happy for what I had. I honestly don't know when it changed, but it did. Over the span of my life I started to need "stuff" to be happy. The reality does not escape me that I am not actually truly happy with my stuff. It gives me pleasure, but the desire for more never ends. I actually feel deeply foolish over this all. But this is life and I will be happy to be with friends and I am happy for what I have, it's just that desire never leaves me the hell alone. It's worse because I know almost everyone I care about feels the same stupid desire for more all the time. I will actually stop feeling sorry for myself soon, but as for this exact moment, I WANT STUFF and it's getting in my way.


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