ANOTHER CHRISTMAS WITH PUSHEEN
So another year I spend Christmas on my own, pretending a stuffed cat is company for me. If I was allowed to have pets where I live, it would be a real cat I'd be sharing my life with.
The back story is my attachment to this small stuffed cat I have (Pusheen the cat). From the moment I got her, I was very fond of her. When I'm in pain or having a panic attack, I will hold her and for some reason it does actually help.
This is going to sound very crazy and in a way it kind of is. Every morning when I get up I pretend to feed my collection of stuffed cats. So being I have no family to be with oh Christmas it's just them and myself.
Yes there are friends who wish me well and love me like family but I can't be with them. The ones in town have their own family to be with and I feel so much more isolation being at their family gatherings than I do if I am alone.
To be honest, I'm used to the feeling and it took several years to get over the lonely feeling after Mom died, but I did get over it and moved past it. Now I enjoy my Christmas meal that is almost the same every year. As well I don't end up eating things I don't like just to go with the flow like I did so many times in the past.
I fondly remember having Christmas dinner with my family when I was young. We all sat at the fancy dining room table that was reserved for only holidays. We would save the same prayer (the lords prayer) and have a large meal of mostly things I did not care for, but consumed anyway because I did not wish to offend Mom.
Later after it was just Mom and I we would end up at a cousins home for the family meal and then I'd end up sitting there silently for hours as she talked with relatives. You see they never cared for me. The Moment I went on disability their attitudes toward me changed and the fact that I was part of the LGBTQ2 community did not help any.
Only the one relative ever asked me if I wanted a beer or cared to talk. That is long gone now.
I do however communicate once a year with one cousin on Christmas time. She sends a card and I send a letter to her. This year I'm sending it AFTER Christmas as it will have bad news in it.
Well the other thing I do on holidays is have a bit too much whisky and watch horror films. This year will be no change from the norm. Pusheen and I watching horror films and drinking after eating far too much ham and cabbage rolls.
Yes I sometimes wish that life had gone different. That I had ended up with a family of my own and that I was not on disability for many years living in relative poverty. But I have the support of friends who always make sure I have enough on the holidays. So in the end I'm more blessed than most people ever will be.
Hugs and happy holidays to you if you observe them. If not, then have a great day anyways and Love be with you always.