Horoscopes from 1979 (Humor - Insulting)

The following was published in 1979. I have changed a part where it mentioned self harm. Do note that these are a joke, and they are rather pointed, blunt, and use bad language. They are also insulting AF.

Aquarius: (Jan 20 - Feb 18) You have an inventive mind and are incline to be progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly. Because you're stupid. Everyone thinks You're a jerk.

Pisces: (Feb 19 - Mar 20) You have a vivid imagination and often think you are followed by the FBI or CIA. You have no influence on your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are generally a dipshit.

Aries: (Mar 21 - Apr 19) You are the pioneer type and think that most people are dickheads. You are quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You're a prick.

Taurus: (Apr 20 - May 20) You are practical and persistent. You have dogged determination to work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bull-headed. Your nothing but a bloody communist.

Gemini: (May 21 - Jun 20) You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bi-sexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little. Tis means  you are a cheap bastard/bitch.

Cancer: (Jun 21 - Jul 22) You are sympathetic and understanding of other people's problems, which makes you a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and won't be worth a shit. Everyone in prison is a Cancer.

Leo: (Jul 23 - Aug 22) You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are an idiot. Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and Can't tolerate honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving and mother fuckers and spend most of their time kissing mirrors.

Virgo: (Aug 23 - Sep 22) You are a logical type and hate discord. This shit-picking is sickening to your friends. You're unemotional and often asleep while fucking. Virgos are good bus drivers and pimps.

Libra: (Sep 23 - Oct 22) You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. If you are male, you are nil. Most libra women are whores. All Libras die of venial disease.

Scorpio: (Oct 23 - Nov 21) The worst of the lot. You are shrewd in business and can't be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are a son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpios are murderess.

Sagittarius: (Nov 22 - Dec 21) You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck since you have no talent. You are nor  worth the time of day.

Capricorn: (Dec 22 - Jan 19) You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically a chicken-shit. There has never been a Capricorn with any importance. You will die alone.