LIVING WITH A MIND AND BODY THAT DOES NOT WANT TO WORK

Living with Fibromyalgia and Schizoaffective Disorder is a bother. I am doing well on meds for the mental illness but will hear voices in my head quietly for the rest of my life.

Fibro on the other hand I can't get relief no matter what. If I ingest a pot gummy, the pain will be lowered but unless it's a sativa I'm going to be in hell from the mental illness fairing up, so I have to watch what I get.

No other medication has worked for the Fibro ever, other than hemp oil for about 2.5 years then all the sudden it just stopped working.

Now I seem to be in an up phase with the pain levels and when I flair it's a living hell. Also in an up phase I am triggered very easy and a lot of things I could get away with 6 months ago I don't get away with now.

There is also the matter of being hypersexual. My sex drive for most of my life was very much more than the average person and if I did not release the pressure ever other day I would literally be in pain from it. For some reason I have not had this problem for about 4 months now. I'm rather hoping it's gone for good.

I gave up sex about 12 years ago and have not been with anyone since. In my younger days, I can literally not tell you how many people I was with. It was easy as heck to get what you needed where I live in the 1980's and 1990's no matter what your desire; that did not help me stay away from bad habits.

Now I've had the added joy of severe arthritis added into the mix in my knees and back and neck. This will flair at random and there seems to be a trigger with wet weather, but most of the time it's just wake up and be in a lot of pain. Getting up and down from a chair can be a hellish problem when it flairs.

Right now I'm at the computer typing this but I can't sit for more than 30 minutes without getting up or my knees will do me in when I try to get up after longer time sitting.

With the Fibro there comes the added hell other than pain of intense itching all over my body, the feeling that my genitals are on fire, a pin prick sensation in my legs (on the skin), extreme headaches, upset stomach, explosive poops at random, bowel pain from hell, chest pain that the first few times made me think I was having a heart attack, a spot on my back that is hard to reach that has been full on itchy for 25 years now non stop, and more.

The thing people feel sorry for me the most is the mental illness but to be honest, it's the least of it now that it's controlled by medication. All there is, is background noise of voices talking to each other or repeating anything I think or say. The morning is the worst for the voices and they tend to want coffee, but then again so do I. For some coffee is a very bad thing with this condition, but it's not a trigger for me.

All in all I think the worst of being this messed up (disabled) is that I can't keep the apartment as clean as I desire it to be and the cost of a cleaner coming in is out of the question most of the time. I'm hoping in April I'll have the money to get a cleaner in as there is a sales tax rebate then. It would be worth $60 to have the place spotless for a while.

Laundry is the second worst task and to be honest twice now I've passed out in pain from folding the laundry and I tend to do it sitting down now at a table in the laundry room. There is the added bother of the freaking mask we need to wear because of the pandemic. The mask will pop up into my eyes while I'm folding shirts as I need to tuck them under my chin to do it the way I learned to do it.

I have in the past ignored pain and hit the floor in my apartment. I was in a video chat one time when it happened and I woke up with the land lord and an EMT looking at me asking if I was OK. The one person in the chat knew my address and called for help. I do not ignore the pain now and will go lay on the bed when I need to do it. The last thing I need it to hurt my head or put a shoulder out falling down. BTW just before you pass out the pain goes away, that's when you know you are screwed.

Traveling is a hellish thing for me to do with the Fibro as now and then I need to poop right quick. When your 50 miles from the next town, this can be a bother. When I travel I will take a pill so I don't poop, but it plugs you up, so I take another to loosen things up after we arrive. There is also the knee pain from sitting to long that is a killer.

When out for coffee I've ignored the pain in my knees and continued on only to literally scream in pain when I get up. The sudden intense pain is always a shock. If I know the pain is coming I can most of the time not react like that, but now and then it's too fast a reaction and out comes some sound. Movies are out as well, they are just a NO as I need to get up too many times - so I watch movies at home where I can pause and get up.

In all it's something I literally have to deal with as I have no option. Well there are options, but I don't think I'm at a point where they are valid ones, we will just put it that way - I'd have to be much worse off. So I do what I can when I can and do my best to keep things going.
 

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