MAN I'M BROKEN, AKA WHY I CHANGED AS I AGED


 

Had to do a survey for for the housing authority about living in my building. I come to #19 and realize just how broken I am. DANG. I'm kind of screwed.

When I was 22, several friends and I where having beers around a fire and talking. The topic of being permanently disabled came up. I spoke up with the bravado of a 22 year old male who knew not much about life, but thought he did. I say, "If I ever became permanently disabled and could no longer work, I'd kill myself rather than live that way".

Cut to me being 33. I am now screwed to the point I can hardly do any work and I'm party on assistance and doing a little here and there (electronic repair mostly) to subsidize and living with Mom to share expenses. This was the start of a long path to me being completely unable to work.

My body is now in a state where I have to rest often or become in a great deal of pain for days to come. My anxiety is to the point if I have a job, end I up freaking out and need to be hospitalized as it triggers a breakout from my schizoaffective disorder. So I'm completely unable to work at all.

To be honest I do more for people around me now than that 22 year old me would be willing to do. I am there for people who need me and am a comfort to them. I keep people going when they need someone to do just that. I have to say I'm a better help to society unable to work a job than when I was working full time.

Life is change. As we age we change. In some ways not for the best, but if we allow ourselves, we grow into better versions of ourselves. It would be easy to become bitter at the world and lash out like so many people do these days. It takes a lot more courage to mold yourself into a kind, compassionate person who is willing to help in the meager ways you can. Being angry is the easy way out and takes no will power at all.

I know people in my situation who closed themselves off from the world and others who lash out all the time. I do not want to be those people and I am so much more happy now than I was in my youth. It is to your advantage to become a good citizen and a good person. The reward is 7 fold.

When I was 22 no one would have helped me with money when I was down - thank God I was making good money then. Now whenever I need anything, people step up to help, because I help them in any way I can.

Be strong and be kind. Be caring and be willing to adjust to new challenges. Be a part of peoples lives in a positive way. You will get back more than you give. Yes, you will be taken advantage of, but more often you will be cared for and cared about.

Peace and Love be with you.

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