25 Stupid Jokes

And the Lord said, “John come forth, and you will receive eternal life”. But John came forth and won a toaster.

A family walks into a hotel and the father says to the guy at the desk, “I hope the porn is disabled”. The guy at the desk replies, “It’s just regular porn you sick bastard”.

Bill Gates walks into an apple store and farts and everyone is pissed off, so he says, “It’s not my fault you don’t have windows”.

Could you please call me a taxi? OK, you’re a taxi.

Did you hear about the two guys that stole a calendar? The both got 6 months.

If you ever get cold, stand in a corner, they’re usually around 90 degrees.

I’m really good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet, but I don’t know Y.

I recently bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.

I wondered why the Frisbee was getting bigger, then it hit me.

Two cows are standing in a field. One says, “are you worried about mad cow disease”? The other replies, “No, I’m a helicopter”.

What did the pirate say when he turned 80? Aye Matey!

What is the difference between a bird and a fly? A bird can fly but a fly can’t bird.

What’s blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint.

What’s Forest Gumps password? 1Forest1

What’s green, fuzzy and if it falls out of a tree, it’ will kill you? A pool table.

What’s red and bad for your teeth? A brick.

What’s the best thing about living in Switzerland? I don’t know but the flag is a plus.

What’s the dumbest animal in the jungle? A polar bear.

When my Grandpa turned 65 he started running a mile every day to keep fit. He’s 70 now and we have no idea where he is.

Why can’t bicycles stand up on their own? They are two tired.

Why can’t Ray Charles see his friends? His wife won’t let him.

Why do chickens sit on eggs? Because they don’t have chairs.

Why do flamingo’s only stand on one leg? If they tried to stand on no legs they would fall down.

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? They are very good at it.

What’s red and isn’t there? No Tomatoes.