Forgive, Even If They Hate You
We come to expect a
level of malice in life. If you don’t learn fast to get past it, your life
becomes a living hell. I learned this when I was in grade 6. It was a time when
my life was in flux. Not from family or friends but from what was happening in
my school. There were several people in my school who knew my Dad was a cop. They
were from a family background where cops where the enemy. They treated me like
shit until the point where I pushed back. I was a big boy, literally and knew
how to handle myself. They found out fast that it was not OK to try and mess
with me, as I could and would fight back. To make a long story short, I got in
a lot of trouble over it at times but I not only defended myself but my
friends. I also learned that words are just words and they cannot hurt you
unless you let them.
With the acceptation
of a couple of years of my life where I became mentally ill and had to be
hospitalised, people with their spite and hate and malice did not affect me. This
was another turning point in my life that taught me to be more kind and
understanding to all around me. I saw what it was like to be in fear and to
almost lose it all. If things did not turn the way they did, I would have ended
up more than likely homeless or dead. Yes, it was that bad. But soon thanks to
medication and the sure force of will I came back to being a strong person who
was hard to piss off. I went back to using sarcastic humour to stay the stings
of hurtful people.
You see I have been
over sized since I was nine and since I was around twenty-five I have been very
oversized. I have had a lifetime of people being rude to the point where I
literally don’t notice them anymore. They point they laugh they stare they joke
and I keep walking literally oblivious of what they are doing. The world of
online can be a harsh place as well where people with no face hide behind an
internet connection to try and harm others. The reasons are complex and widely very
as to why they want to do this. The fact is that most of them are emotionally
damaged people who want to feel power and have none in their lives.
It was in that time
frame where I was first online in a very public manner that I fell ill. It was
something called a breakout. My mind went unbalanced and I thought the world
was out to get me and that I could hear people’s thoughts. Again, long story
short I got over it and became the person I am now. More loving and accepting
of all people but at the same time that person who uses sarcastic humour to
laugh off those who would harm me.
The reality is, I
literally don’t care what people think of me and I literally don’t care if they
hate me. I know I am loved and I am accepted by many good people. I know these
people are like family to me and in fact more so than the so called family I
have. My real family literally stopped talking to me when I went on disability.
I am not alone in this as at least one other in the family was treated the same
way. I know it sounds harsh and evil and that I should hate them. But the
reality is, I know their lives are shallow and more than likely they don’t know
what it is like to be loved in a true manner. I as always forgive and move on.
I do not forget though and cannot trust them and will not. But they are
forgiven.
Then recently my best
friend in the world, a person I have known for 35 years of my life turned on
me. The reason is complicated and not the fault of myself or in reality of his.
He has become slowly over the past several years a person filled with anger. He
has also become a person who is not all that worthy of trust. He has taken
things from his work and at that I should have realised what was happening. But
I was blinded by the brotherly love I had for him. He was like family to me. He
was like my brother. Then one day I needed his help and he was not giving it to
me when he normally would have. He instead decided to stay home and play on the
Facebook rather than to take me to the hospital. I told him right out in
several texts that I needed to go and it was serious.
The injury that I had
is long lasting and still affecting me rather painfully. It is such that it
might not heal properly because of my size and if it does it will be many
months. I pushed him on the issue of choosing to be online rather than help me.
You have to realise; I was always there for him when he needed me. I never let
him down. I was that way for all my friends. The act of showing my displeasure
in his choice seems to have pushed him over the edge.
He went on the attack
on his Facebook page. He literally made fun of my disability and of me
personally. This went on for several days. Later he realised what he was doing
and cleaned his page of the offensive posts. But it was way too late. The years
of trust where broken and I could no longer call him a friend. I am not one to take
that word lightly. It takes some doing to move from the place of someone I know
to being a friend. I will NOT call someone a friend if I don’t mean it.
I know he regrets his actions
and I know he knows what he has lost. I also know that the underlying problems
that brought him to this point in his life are still there and that I can’t fix
that. I also know he more than likely never will face the issues and will never
be back to the person he used to be.
This brings us back to
the point where I don’t let words affect me. Being that he was like family to
me, this did hurt and it hurt bad. It caused me emotional pain that lasted
months. I still grieve the loss of his friendship but with no trust in him I
can’t go back to being his friend. The fact that he has not said he was sorry
even underlines the issue. If he does not even have that much respect for me,
he is lost to me. But yes he is forgiven. That is automatic. I always forgive.
I even forgave the youth pastor who tried to molest me. It is, in my mind, not
my place to judge a person as many do. Yes, we all do judge but some of us do
it on a different level. We don’t condemn people.
In the end, for me
love is the answer. I have love for all people, even the bad ones. I love even
those who want to harm me. Not because I am told too, but because I think it is
the right thing to do. I forgive the harm, but I don’t trust them. It is just
to distance yourself from those who are your enemy but it is not just to hate
them. Even if they hate you.
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