So they give me this thing to clean with before the surgery (SoluPrep Antiseptic Skin Cleanser Sponge - 4% w/v Chlorhexidine Gluconate). I am to use it the night before and the morning of the operation. Well, DANG it irritated my skin. All of my skin. Most of it only slightly, but my penis and my butt hole are on fire now. The worst of it is my butt hole, the poor thing may never be the same again. I mean DANG it's burning and probably a bit swollen. Not like I can see it, you know how hard it is to get a good photo of your own butt hole after all?

So the operation is to repair a rather sizable hernia (cantaloupe sized) on my left side just above the belly button.  Supposedly it's going to be laparoscopic - so minimal holes in me. But if he can't do it that way, I get cut open again in the same spot as the last hernia operation I had. Yes this is my second one, and it's beside where the other one was, just much bigger.

There is a 3 cm protrusion of my innards from the hole. So it can't be good. But being it's so big, it's not in much danger of strangulating anything. It also don't hurt all that much most of the time, just when I get out of bed mostly.

So just the fact that I seem to have my stomach muscles coming apart is a thing or worry to me. But it's not at all the only thing bothering me right now.

My testicles are both hurting. Around 4 to 7 times a day I get a hit of pain comparable to being kicked in the balls. This is every day. Now the left testicle has a cyst on it and it's a not too small one. So I can see why it's hurting, but honestly I got not one clue why the one on the right is hurting.

The right one I can't find any lumps like the cyst on the left one and it's not swollen at all. There should be no reason for it to be hurting. Now the pain in the right is 1/3 the pain in the left, but it's there. I see the urologist in about a week. I have to tell him about the right one as it was not on the paperwork - at the time of referral, it was not acting up.

The idea that it might be something very bad like cancer is not escaping me. I am hoping that it's a simple fix of some kind but I have literally no idea, so I worry about it.

I have no idea about the medical history of my biological parents, so I don't know what might come up from that. Another worry.

Now the hemp oil has stopped working and my Fibromyalgia seems to have gotten worse. Now it does go in cycles, but the thing is in the past (23 years of it), I would only be in serious pain for a day or two. Now it's lasting weeks. The fact that it may be getting worse in the future is a great worry as the pain can be indescribable.

As for pain, getting treatment for chronic pain in Moose Jaw, seems to be a pointless expression in futility. The doctors here have all decided that unless you are literally going to die, no pain meds for you. Also there is the fact that a great deal of doctors in general in this world, seem to think that most people with chronic pain are not in as much pain as they actually claim to be.

How can they doubt your pain? Well after years of being in pain, you get to a point where you don't react to it like other people do. A normal person that is in level 7 pain for example, is literally writhing in pain and moaning and begging for drugs. A person who has lived with pain like this for decades tends to have almost no outward expression of pain at all. So you are not believed by most medical staff.

The other thing with chronic pain is you start to learn to hide it as you get so freaking tired of explaining to people why you are in pain and having them ask, "are you OK"? After 100 people do this in a 3 month span you just start to fake being normal.

As well there is an exclusionary element to people who think your in "too much pain to take part". They tend to not ask you to go out with them and so on. The fact is after several years of it, you learn to just take the pain and get on with things. You suffer for it for days, but you had your fun or got things done.

Here is a good example of being ignored. I went into the ER with level 9 pain in my left testicle. The pain was traveling all the way down the inside of my leg to my foot. As I was talking to the doctor, I was literally almost passing out from it. But I was not moaning and so on as I'm used to dealing with pain. So he comes back with 2 Tylenol and and anti-inflammatory. Well The first one is for like level 3 pain, so it's not doing a fucking thing. The second one does not work on a fucking cyst. So I'm literally passed off and told to go home.

So yes I worry about spending 15 years of my life in constant terrible pain and not getting one fucking thing to help with it. As well, who the shit can afford $30 a day to self medicate with pot, even if it is legal here. I am on a low income and there is just no way in hell it can happen. So the idea of being in pain for years with no break in the pain is believable to me.

On another note, I spent 20 years of my life in the same home as a person who smoked 2 packs a smokes a day. The places was always a haze of cigarette smoke and I was breathing it the entire time. God knows if this effected me badly. The longer I live the more likely this is to cause cancer.

Now I've watched several people die from cancer and there is no fucking way I'm going to do that. I will be taking the legal option to have a doctor terminate me. We can do that in Canada and there are doctors here that will do it. There is no way in hell I'm rotting away like that - no way.

As for the pain, if it gets worse and there is no hope of it ending, well - there are options for that as well.

I'm also starting to not be able to walk much again. For about a couple years I was up to being able to walk 10 blocks. Now if I make 3 blocks I'm doing good. I'm hoping to GOD this is a temporary thing and I'll eventually be back to normal, but it's a worry to say the least.

Another worry is heart problems. They tell me I had an M.I. in the past but I literally have no idea when I had a heart attack at all. This was why I was down to 1/2 a block of walking at a time at one time. My heart was fucked, and it was not working right. Now with medication and losing a great deal of weight, I am way more healthy. There is just the matter of my knees acting up now keeping me from walking far.

I had meds for the knees but I'm not allowed to take it every day anymore, just when I need it most. Seems it's actually toxic as hell and can mess up several of them things inside you need to live - can't have that.

There is also the worry of not being able to care for myself and ending up in a home some place. There is just one home here that is NOT like the third world. It is also very hard to get into it and I would more than likely end my days in a hellish hole in the ground. I've seen how people line in these places and I'd 100% rather be fucking dead. Honest to god - just kill me instead.

The last worry is losing my mind. I have schizoaffective disorder. It's like schizophrenia and a mood disorder all in one. So you see and hear shit that ain't there and go all manic as hell or depressed as hell at random.

I had a taste of how it's like to be out of control with this and I never want that to happen again. But there is always the fear that the medication will stop working on me and I'll end up talking to God again or think demons are after me and have to spend my time in an institution. This is a slim chance to say the least but it's always in the back of my mind when I hear something that literally can't possibly have been said. Yes it still happens, I just realize it's not real, and it's rare.

I realize I'm silly to worry about any of these things as I can't possibly control the majority of them - but I do. All I can say is if I knew back in the day that I should listen to people about my health - I'd have done it. Ignoring it till after I was fucked was stupid. I literally don't know how I ever thought I was OK being 500 lbs. Sigh.

Losing the weight decades ago would not have fixed my brain or the Fibromyalgia, but it would have prevented the heart problems and the joint issues and made my back problems less of a bother in my old age. But I knew it all and ignored people. The worst part is I kept telling Mom not to ignore the doctor while I ignored mine.

In any event, I can't change it now, I'm stuck with this body. The most I can hope for is to delay my death or complete disability a while longer - perhaps 10 more years. If I get to be 65 and sill not in a home, it will be worth it.

Keep strong friends and love each other, you never know when someone needs that little bit of love to keep going. Hugs.


  1. That would be the least of it. To lost your mind is worse than death. When Mom died she was 76 lbs. It was terrible beyond words. I WILL die before that happens to me.

  2. To be honest seeing the confusion and terror on the faces of people who have - that makes me not want that. To be a plant is one thing - you don't know you are alive... but to be confused and angry and in fear for no reason is horrifying. Then there is what happened to Mom - she was still able to think and went blind and deaf. This was after she started to see and hear things that where not there. To have only a delusion for company is way worse than death.


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