Well dang it. I am not good at the entire keeping to the plan thing this last few months. I was hoping like hell to get this done and be on track again. So I weigh myself on the 6th and I'm up 5.6 lbs. Today is the 7th and I just eat an entire box of cookies.

See part of my really wants to be more healthy and the other part of me wants to scream "fuck this, I'm going to enjoy the time I have left". For me there does not seem to be that balance between the two states of being.

The thing is I lost 70+ lbs the first year of this diet I been on. I kept to the plan the entire year. Then here in year 4 I been off the rails and I'm actually up a few lbs this year so far. But life goes on.

Honestly. I'll be in a pile of pain no matter what I do. The fibromyalgia does not respond to eating the foods that I am supposed to eat to make it less painful. The hemp oil I was taking for a long time stopped working. So now I'm back to being in a pile of pain.

So what is the point here of keeping at it? To live longer and be in pain for longer? I don't see the point. I do get the idea of trying to improve quality of life - I really do and for some time that was happening. But I fell off the wagon and stopped seeing the goal.

Here is the reality. When I do eat the proper foods I am supposed to be eating on this bean diet thing, I do feel better physically. But be damned, I feel better emotionally when I eat crap that will shorten my life.

It's a war of the mind and the body. The worst thing is no matter what side I give into my brain is not happy with it. I want both to be healthy and live longer and to eat the stuff that I enjoy. Well I can't have them both.

But then there is the pain and I fall off the cart and into a bag of chips of a pizza. Maybe I'm using the pain as an excuse to do the selfish thing of feeling good in the short term. I don't know.

All I know is I'll be back to the point I can't walk again and to the point my heart does not work well again. Then perhaps to the point where the doctor says "5 more years of this and you will die".

Right now it's the worst struggle of my life. But I really do want to get back on the path. I just don't know if I can. I know I was strongly on it, but who knows. I don't even understand why I'm doing this at this time in my life.


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