2 NSFW JOKES

The Urinal
I was standing at a urinal earlier today and next to me was a midget also having a pee. I noticed he kept winking at me like crazy. 
I said "Are you gay? Do you fancy me or something?" 
He replied "No you're splashing in my fucking eyes!"
Dear teachers.
When the kids finally go back to school I'm going to need your help to ease them back into things. so if you could throw in the occasional "for fucks sake", "this makes no fucking sense", "do whatever you fucking want", and "Sit down and shut the fuck up", that would be great.


Comments

Post a Comment

Most Popular In Last 30 Days

A Month of Blogs Day 1 (About Me)

Image
If I remember to do it, I will be posting a blog post every day this month with prompts I have. Today is "write about yourself as a person". To be honest I've always found it difficult to do this. It seems much more east to write about another person than to do it about myself. Well, I have been on disability (SAID) for years and years now. I am unable to work at all. Physically there are things I could do, like work in an office some place, but I can't do the stress of working it seems. The last 3 times I tried, I ended up having to quit and ended up in the hospital for emotional reasons. It triggered an outbreak of my mental illness. I suffer from depression, anxiety and schizoaffective disorder. It has limited me greatly over the years. Strangely enough, I had my first outbreak late in life. Normally it will happen in your teen years. I was in my 40's at the time. Before I got on proper meds, the depression was crippling, it left me in a hell of a bad state of
Read more

This or That Tag in 20 Parts

Image
This or That Part 1 of 20 1. Skydiving or SCUBA Diving? 2. Cable or Streaming? 3. Live Theater or Movie? 4. Sunrise Yoga or Sunset Meditation? 5. Sculpture Garden or Mural Wall? 6. Horseback Riding or Cycling? 7. Astronomy or Astrology? 8. Football or Basketball? 9. Leader or Follower? 10. Birdsong or Ocean Waves? This or That Part 2 of 20 1. Streaming or YouTube? 2. New Clothes or New Phone? 3. Big Party or Small Gathering? 4. Sweater or Hoodie? 5. Fiction or Nonfiction? 6. Postcard or Souvenir? 7. Headphones or Speakers? 8. Save or Spend? 9. Stilettos or Ballet Flats? 10. Detective Novel or Fantasy Novel? This or That Part 3 of 20 1. iOS or Android? 2. Flamenco or Tango? 3. TV Shows or Movies? 4. Meadow or Forest? 5. Film Photography or Digital Photography? 6. Train Ride or Bike Ride? 7. Ice Sculpture or Sand Sculpture? 8. Acoustic Guitar or Electric Guitar? 9. Sing or Dance? 10. Couch or Recliner? This or That Part 4 of 20 1. Coffee Cup or Thermos? 2. Highway or Rural Road? 3. Lemon
Read more

New Bed Frame and Mattress

Image
No, my pillow is not soaked in blood LOL - It does seem to be covered in dry blood in the photo for some reason. It's just a sweat statin. But that is not the point - the point is, it's a new bed. The frame is nice and solid, I had my doubts about it when it showed up, but it's rated for 600 lbs and I'm 332 lbs. So it should work. The mattress is a memory foam kind with no springs in it. The experts say they last 6 to 8 years. With my size I'm hoping for 3 years out of it. Would be very nice if it lasted longer however. The old style with springs started out at $500 and went up into the $1200 range. I am NEVER going to have $500 to spare, so that's out of the question. I think I paid about $400 for my last one 13 years ago. The foam top on it did not start to deform for a good 5 or 6 years, so I hope it's going to be longer lasting than 3 personally. This is the waste from just the mattress. 2 garbage bags of plastic, and a tone of cardboard. I had to pry ou
Read more

A Callus on My Heel Causing Pain

Image
I have a callus on the heel of my left foot that has been bothering me for years now. I try to put lotion on it, but it often does nothing to help. It ends up pealing off and there is dead skin from my foot all over my apartment (even in the bed). Now and then there will be a spot that cracks or peals too deep and it will give me a lot of pain when I walk, this is such a time sadly. Below is a photo with the spot in question circled. You can get chemicals to apply that will help you peal it all off, but I don't have money to spend on this, and I don't have money to go and get it removed every other month from a professional. Thus I deal with it when I can, and how I can. It's not nearly as bad as it was in the past however, as I've managed over the last several years to reduce it in thickness and keep it from forming deep cracks that can lead to infection. This is caused by repeated pressure on the location and the skin tries to protect it's self by forming a callus
Read more

A Month of Blogs Day 18 (30 Facts About Me)

Image
  This is going to be hard. I'm literally terrible about describing myself like this. I find a lot more easy to do about other people. But here we go. 1. I won a gold medal target shooting at a national competition at the age of 12. 2. I have training in information technology. 3. I have training in electronic repair. 4. I have management training. 5. A friend and I drove a beat up old car from Moose Jaw to New Orleans and lived in the car for 2 weeks. 6. I saw B.B. Kink live in a pub in New Orleans. 7. I had a Voodoo cleaning ritual done on me. 8. I have read the entire bible multiple times. 9. I used to be able to hit an apple at 600 yards with my custom made rifle. 10. I seriously injured my spine twice. 11. I officiated 2 wedding ceremonies. 12. I had 100 needles placed into my back in a pattern just to experience it. 13. I've been to several nudist resorts in the USA and Canada. 14. I've seen the grand canyon. 15. I visited Red Rock Stadium, but did not see a concert t
Read more