Sunday, October 9, 2016

What Do I Really Want?

Well this is blog post number 1000. I tend to go in spurts and sometimes it's months till I do another one then POOF a pile of them in one day like today. I was going to make number 1000 a photo blog of the new place but I don't have all that many photos of it yet and I really wanted to blog this. Anyway...

What do I really want? A lot of people want a good pile of money and all kinds of things. A lot of people want fame or at least notoriety. But what do I want. Well I literally do lay in bed trying to get the pain to settle down and think how good it would be to have a lot of money or a machine that would make anything at all that I wanted. But this is not what I really want. It is a desire, but it's not at the top of the list.

You would think that a healthy body with no heart problems or pain would be on the top of the list, but it's not. I know a lot of men who want a nice big... Well you get the point, but I don't care about that at all. I mean really, I don't have anything more than average but never cared to be "big" down there. I would love to not be fat any more, but it's not on the top of the list as well.

So what is on the top of the list? Here it goes:

I want to have dinner in the park with my Mom and Dad and my Brother. I want to ride my bike with my friends all day long in the summer sun. I want to do swimming in the lake with my cousins (yes the ones who now don't care if I am alive or dead). I want all the mind damaging time I spent as a fundamentalist Christian back. I want game night at the youth centre. I want to sit on the deck holding my poodle and enjoying the sunset. I want a couple of weeks on my Uncles farm (God rest his soul). I want a life partner to care for as I never really had that chance. I want to tell my Dad I love him before it's too late and it is way too late, he has been dead for 24 years. I want to go and have coffee with Mom one last time but it's far too late for that as well. I want to eat cabbage rolls with my cool biker dyke Aunt (God rest her soul as well). I want to watch the sun go down on Loon Lake from the dock of that cabin we rented when I was an 8 year old boy. I want to have never gone hunting with my Uncle and my Dad, because I don't want the memory of my strong Father crying because he could not finish off the deer. I want to have one last drink with my Brother who I will never see again and when he dies I won't even be able to go to the funeral.

There are literally thousands of things I want a hell of a lot more than to have money or to be skinny or to not be in pain any more. It's funny because pain has literally destroyed my life and taken me from a strong man with the ability to work many jobs to being someone who is in a building full of broken people living on $1123 a month. Yes to have that gone and my life back is far down the list of things I really want badly.

If I had one wish it would be to be 25 again so I would not take for granted my family and my life. So I could live it over from that point to the best I know how to now, instead of partying and ignoring family. Not to mention the endless one night stands at that point in my life being replaced with one person who I actually love and care for. But we can't have wishes come true like that and we can't go back and have a do-over. All I am left with is a hand full of photos and a lot of memories. And yes regrets.