I used to be depressed a lot when I you younger. The strange thing is it started to go away after I became disabled. You would think it would be the other way around, but nope.

I been on meds for depression for a very long time and if it's them doing this, it is great work on their part. I'm just not all that down any more.

But I do have a bit of anxiety left over. I used to be a lot worse though - as in it was hard for me to even get out the door without an attack. Now it seems to be the polar opposite, I get anxiety when I'm home alone and not doing much with my brain. When I'm out it almost never happens and when it does it's very mild.

The other strange thing is the time I started to become a lot more disabled by my ailments of the body, I also started to get a lot more happy. I think this is due to the fact I spend a lot more time focusing on friends now. In the past I was focused a lot more onto things like work and the car and so on.

Sure money is a big issue now but it seems a lot less of an issue now that I have a lot less of it. My needs are met and I have entertainment and creative outlet. So I guess I think less about money than I did when I was working.

Here is the big one. When I was 22 or 23 I was in a conversation with a friend who had a family member who was a chronic pain sufferer. I said to him that if I ever got into a point where I was always in pain, I'd kill myself. Well here I am 18 or more years later with pain every waking moment and I love to be alive.

The other thing with the "smile" is that I do smile a lot when I'm with people. They almost never realize that I am actually in pain. Only my one friend really notices it and will often ask if I want to go home now. She never says why but has told me she sees the pain in my eyes.

I tend to push it when I'm out with friends and I pay for it for a day or two after that with extra pain. Still I'm happy with life though and find it a willing trade (being out with friends VS less pain).

Mom never knew and honest to God there where times when I was out shopping with her that I almost passed out from the pain but struggled past it. The fact that for several days after that I was toast, I never let her know.

The thing with the eyes is not obvious but anyone who suffers in silence can see it on the eyes of others. We see past the smile on their face and see the signs of uncontrolled pain.

We also (like people with depression) often say we are fine when in fact we are wondering how we are going to finish the day without being found on the floor in the store.

At the end of every vlog I say "keep smiling". This is a send to all my friends in the same boat as me. It is also a desire that others can find happiness even on a bad day.

So as I sit here typing this and fighting the urge to lay down and hope the pain in my back goes away, I have to say "keep smiling". Hugs all.


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